There's so much in my head that I can't say because it's too much and too hard. But I guess I could start with this evening.
My dad doesn't understand that sometimes I just need a minute to be alone.
I had been crying earlier and when he came upstairs, he just wouldn't let it go. "Why are you crying?" "Was it because ____?" and "you need to learn _______."
Basically he gave me a stereotypical perfect parent talk. We were sitting on the bed and I was crying quietly. He then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't be sad, I should be stronger, and then just watches me cry. I agreed with what he said. I let him know that yes I understand, you can leave now. But he doesn't. He just sat there. After a few frustrating seconds he tells me he loves me, he's proud of me etc. I think the part I was the most frustrated with was the fact that he just sat there and watched me cry. Like he expected me to just stop crying as soon as he told me that. I don't think he understood that I just needed a minute alone, I don't know about him but I can't just be like the kid with their parent in almost every movie. It doesn't help that over quarantine my social anxiety went through the roof.
From what I've written it probably sounds stupid. I genuinely want to kill myself (what no- not because of this one day-). Like I said before, there's too much stuff in my head and I don't know how to say it.
This is just one of the many things that hurt. And it probably sounds even more stupid when I say I don't want to be alive anymore. I've made other posts before this but you won't be able to find them for obvious reasons-
But if anyone knows the easiest, fastest, and most painless way to kill myself, please let me know.