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I cant anymore

I am so done with everything and everyone.

there so much inside so fucking much

i thought i will be better as time will pass by but its not!

i will turn 18 soon and wont be a teen and i have no fucking idea what it is like to have a friend group to hang out, sneak out, late night talks, have fun!

i never experienced that joy never. i will never be able to do that.

all i did was study i did so much i had so much progress in special fields even my teachers see that, but NEVER my parents they complain that i dont do anything.

sometimes i really dont but i deserve some free days too.

i had so much heartbreaks i dont feel anything at all now because of it

whenever i feel someone is a little distant i start to distant myself more so they wont be the one who left me again.

everyone i had i can never call them friends few days ago i realize whatever good they did to me will never be enough to cover the trauma they left me after leaving.

i have now 3 friends . 3 people who i am close to, the ones who i see everyday at school and no one more.

i never tell them anything lately cuz so many people broke my trust you can never imagine

the thought that someone right now know at least one personal thing about mtself makes me hate myself and think i wish i was dead

the other problem is parents they have hight standards and want me to be like that

my mom will literally say how lazy useless and ungrateful child i am for not doing something i forgot

i had a really bad time when i had eating problems i wasnt eating a lot and when i was i was vomiting after my organism started to reject food

they found easier to believe i am physically ill then mentally

i had 3-4 panic attacks at that time

my hands were shaking all the time whenever i was nervous i was vomiting

its not a physical problem

they took me to several doctors and everything was fine with physical

then i finally found someone who made me a little better without knowing that but guess what he left too

i literally try to be better but its hard to do when i feel like there is not a single person i can talk to and not overthink every word i say,

i know people come and go but i dont want that

i am a terrible person too

i always want people to be good to me but lately i am not a better person myself i treat everyone so bad

but its hard to stay good after a lot of shit

better hurt someone first so u will not be hurting

i hate myself i hate my body my face

my personality

there is so much feelings so much unsaid things they are so much i cant even remember everything i really forget somethings and then suddenly remember and again feeling down for some time

for me its so hard to deal with this

i dont know will this all go away with age or no

i wont ever talk about all this to anyone i dont have enough risk and trust to anyone

this is the only place i will talk i guess...