It has occurred to me that it is impossible for me to be happy. I have a husband and 2 amazing kids and all I do is complain about things that aren't going my way. my husband helps with the kids, he keeps them sometimes so i can rest a bit and he cooks. all I do is complain and see the mess he makes, the way he leaves everything open and out of place and all of this bothers me. i come home from work and see him sleeping and the house is a mess and I'm just pissed. he has always been a mess and i usually either complain for a while and clean it up or I just dismiss it as just the way he is but these days, I'm just IRRITATED and frustrated. I think of divorce and feel stuck and trapped. he doesn't believe in divorce and doesn't want me to date, anyone if we ever broke up. I feel guilty cause I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad but I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel so damn angry at him all the time, I find excuses to be away from him. I used to want time with him but now I just want him to go work, find some girl to be interested in or have an epiphany one day and leave me alone. I keep hoping he will leave me so I won't feel like I broke his heart. some times I think the extreme and wish he would die so death would do us part. what kind of person does that? I must be a horrible bitch to even think something like that especially with 2 young kids who need him. when he falls asleep on the couch i find myself too eager to leave him there. most times i don't wake him because i just don't miss him in bed with me. he radiates a million degrees and i never thought I would enjoy sleeping without him. when we lived at his parents' house and had no more space, i loved sleeping next to him. I couldn't sleep when he wasn't there but after we got a place he started going to parties more at night and staying at his parents' house and i learned to sleep without him, i started going to my mom's house more often to feel less lonely and now i find myself enjoying sleeping alone way too much and not wanting to be home when he is home. I hate the fact that almost every week he has another business idea, or wants to go to some party till ridiculous hours in the morning. I wanted someone financially stable, predictable but open-minded the right amount, and peaceful, not as loud as he gets. he has me on alert all the damn time. always have a question for me as I'm coming through the door with the baby and the bags. I just want a peaceful life where I'm not anxious or worried every day. maybe I am just seeing things that aren't there or I'm going crazy or just can't be happy. I only seem to focus on the things he does that irritates me. I cant stand the fact that he is always on the phone talking loudly about his business ideas or our private business to his friends a all hours. I know he loves me and I love him but I don't think we can live together without me getting more angry and resentful. this is just unhealthy. the worst part is that i can't even see myself leaving him for another guy. I picture leaving him to be focused on myself and the kids