I literally can't take it anymore, all of the toxic traits in my life and no one knows how much it affects me. I hate when people feel bad for me so I cant tell them anything. The people i do open up to barley know the surface the whole story. I just choose to say relatable things even though there is much more beyond. They dont even notice gaint bruises on my face so how can I expect them to notice cuts or scars. I dont want them to notice but I cant control myself. Its like my wrists and fragile parts of my body beg to be cut. i resist it most of the time but when im stressed and dont feel like im here I do it anyways. Its not bad though, compared to others I have an amazing life and nothing to complain about. I dont want to blame my mother for anything but in reality she has caused nearly most of my trama. but shes dealing with her own and I know its hard to monitor herself, I understand. Therefore its no ones fault but myself. But I pretend I dont care because what else can I do? Everyone acts like I said nothing or treats me so different once i actually talk about it a little bit. I cant stand the condridiction on her words anymore. Im being yelled at to do school but then she asks me after why i never hang out and why i dont wanna watch a movie. Like I wonder why, youre just adding on to m stress. School is the absolute worst thing for me right now. Thinking about my fture that I keep thinking about ending is making it even harder. everyday i think about if i was gone I wouldnt have to think about this. But i hold strong for my siblings and my dogs. I cant help but them wondering where i went randomly and i never came back. They dont understand my dog has seperation anxiety and arent patient with him, they just yell at him when im trying to calm him down. I just dont know what to do anymore. I help everyone but I cant let anyone help me, I wont allow it. I have so many secrets that I keep in and I fucking hate myself. So much shit has happened and no ones know about it. How do I even bring half the shit up, like Im just gonna end up being yelled at by the end of the conversation anyways. But they dont care how i feel, as long as I do my school. Cause doing my best isnt enough anymore, Im just trying to stay alive idk why youre so worried about my future when i literally dont want one. I wanna run away and live in an apartment, hell why not become a waitress at a strip club and live my best life. not everyone takes the same path and you keep saying that so why are you pushing my so hard to do this and that when you didnt even fucking graduate highschool. I cant fucking stand you, I cant hate you jesus fucking christ i cant say i hate you. How could i do that to the women who raised me when you are trying so hard with your own battle. How can I do that to someone who gave me everything I wanted, even if i got called a spoiled brat for it. I cant even fucking ask you for anything anymore, you make me not want to take anything from someone if they had to pay for it. I want to say it so bad, I wanna just scream so loud and get everything out. But I wanna be alone beacuse you never were there for me no matter how much you told me you were, I will get through this myself and I will absolutely not take help from anyone. I cant fucking rely on anyone or trust what people say because of you, jesus christ its my own fault not yours. I cant take this anymore please why am Ilike this, I cant do it anymore. I have no hope formyself because of the past. I cant get up everyday to you yelling at me anymore, I just cant do it, I love you but I cant take it anymore. why cant you just leave me alone without crying beascuse you did something wrong. Why cant you just realize Im in my room for a reason and want to be left alone from you for a reason. why cant you realize I(ve had enough of being controlled. I cant fucking do thjis anymore. I fucking hate myself so much, everything is always my fault, I cant do it anymore. Ive sucked it up for so long just like I was told, Ive done everything I was told, why cant i just be happy and free like I want to. Thats the only thing i want, i cant stamnd it. fuck spelling, fuck you, fuck everything, fuck being alive man. I have no talents, i cant do anything i want like every other fucking person I know, I cant have my own thoughts or feelings and I cant take this stupid shit that gets pulled on me everyday. I cant take any of it. I just wanna run away, not for attentiuon. For good, I wanna be exckluded from everything, Idc if I dont have anything but me and my dog I dont care about anything else, sell my fucking playstation, my computer i dont fucking care, take my phone throw it in a river, not like i go on it anymore anyways. fuck even sell my tv and apple watch and ipad that I bought myself, I dont care anymore. Take everything and sell it because you need the money anyways because you thought it was a good idea to buy a house out of your price rang. I cant fucking stand you, just let me live my life how i want, not how you think I should. Stop telling me I cant do anything beacsue of how I am or I wont be able to do aything. Because you cause all of my fucking problems. I fucking hate you no matter how much I deny it, I cant stand how all of your traits are toxic. But youre so sweet and trying so hard I cant hate you, its impossible. like you said, youve kept me fed with a roof over my head, i have nothing to complain about, "i get everything i want" anyways right? so why cant I have the 2 things I truly want? cause you wont have control over me anymore? Im sorry if youve read this far, Im okay, just trying to make myself cry, I need to so bad but why cant I. Its so hard now, im just a human being manipulated around in more ways than one. Idk anymore, im sorry for thinking these terrible things, its hard to keep them contained. haha this aint even 1/4 of it jesus christ.