4 months ago
Time Spent- 10m
3 Visitors

I can't do this anymore

Like I said, I just cannot do this anymore. Everyday I wake up with this anxious feeling eating me up inside. I am losing everything. Along with it, I am also losing myself. I can no longer attend college. I can no longer get out of bed. And it's not even only the pandemic. I am losing my friends. I met this guy a year ago, he quickly introduced me to his friend group and due to chemistry (i guess) or something, we have come very very close, as friends that is. He wanted me to consider him as my best friend. We've had our differences and our fights but maybe a month ago, he showed me he had fully accepted me into his best friend group. The last time i saw him though, he made sure to act as if he distanced himself from me. We were talking about getting a house all together and create our own little family, himself, myself and his best friend. He said he just couldn't do it. And that I shouldn't compare myself with his best friend. And I'm not crazy, I know that, we only know eachother what 2 years? one and a half? but during this time, I felt like we had come close and supported eachother in ways only best friends do. Plus, he is jealous of my best friend of many years, telling me it's not real friendship because we don't see eachother (me and her) and often as he sees his best friend (they live very close and are always together and even share the household expenses). And the problem is that, it has kind of gotten under my skin... Like, I don't feel as close to my best friend anymore and I would much rather hang out with him and his best friend. Even if that means fighting with my family to defend them. But after being told these things, and essentially showing me that we are actually not as close as I thought we were, I feel ultimately shattered. After 10 years of being cut free I started cutting again, to cope. I feel extremely suicidal, however because of the fact that I can't act upon it, I feel even more miserable. I don't know what to do. Now, I just don't know what to believe. I don't wanna lose them. But I don't know, after all these things that have happened, I just don't know if I can trust them anymore. If I can trust him anymore. All I wanted was a friend group. Now I feel like I am not being appreciated. I just don't know what to do.