I want to kill myself. I'm so damn lonely and isolated and sad. I want to connect with people, and I'm supposedly a likeable guy. It was difficult at first to reach out to people because of my severe introversion and complete lack of emotional vulnerability. But now that I am starting to reach out to people, I get nothing.
All I want is for one person, just one person, to ask me how I'm doing. To really want to talk to me. To want to spend time with me. But no one reaches out, so I reach out to others. Most the time I am ignored. When I'm not ignored, I'm often turned down. When I finally do manage to reach out and talk to somebody, chances are I don't connect with them in any meaningful way. I have this deep depression that stems from a desire to connect with people, but everyone is too caught up in their day to day lives to bother wondering how the depressed kid is feeling.
My therapist says I need a girlfriend. Someone who is always there for me to reach out to. I agree. Unfortunately, I only have the desire to ask very, very few girls on dates. Maybe I'm too picky, but I'm just not attracted to most women. And I'm obviously too messed up, or awkward, or just not enough for any woman to even consider dating. Hell, it seems like even finding a woman to be my friend is an impossible task at this point. I've never had a girlfriend, or even gotten close, so I might as well give up there.
The only people I can rely on to be there for me are the people whose job it is to be there for me; my bishop and my therapist. And I still have to reach out to them in order to get help.
If one person - any person - reaches out to me in the next 24 hours, I won't kill myself. If one person texts to see how I'm doing, asks to hang out, calls to talk, anything that shows they really do care about me or would like to spend time with me, I won't kill myself. But if these 24 hours pass as expected, and no one reaches out or cares, I'm putting my plan into effect. I just can't keep living like this, with this deep desire to connect deeply with other people, and a complete lack of response from the world.
- a student at a university in Utah