I cant stop lying

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This is seriously hard to admit. I just need a place where I can express the actual truth for once. I am a compulsive liar. I am pretty sure I always have been.I have always lied to make myself seem more like-able, or innocent, or even for people to feel bad for me. I have lied about small things that have had little to no repercussions, and I have lied about really big things, and I haven't really been found out. I live with constant guilt and I am constantly paranoid. Whenever my parents seem off, I always assume, "fuck, they found out" It is harrowing. I have contemplated killing myself nearly every day because of it. It is the easiest way out of all the lies. But I cant stop. It is just like a reflex. I am nearly 16 now. So maybe I can just blame it on teenage stupidity. But what if I am never able to stop? I know I will eventually get myself into real trouble. It is so terrifying to think about. I dont know what to do. How do I stop? I have nearly convinced myself that all my lies are true. Thinking about the truth makes me so nauseous. What have I done? I think I will just keep telling myself that Its all true. I have lied about really terrible things though. The worst being sexually abused as a child. I dont think its true. I honestly dont even know. I have weekly appointments with a psychologist because I told my parents I hear voices. I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with severe social anxiety, ptsd and some sort of dissociation disorder. I know for sure that being around people makes me really anxious. I feel like they know I am lying, and what I have lied about. I once told my friend I had crohn's disease. Its not true. She believed me though. I even fabricated this whole life talking to this guy I met online telling him I had Cystic Fibrosis. I even fucking ordered a breathing tube online so I could send him pictures of me wearing it. I invested so much time researching this disease for what? So he could pity me? I dont know. I am messed up. Truly. My entire life is a lie. How do I stop before it gets so much worse. I cannot admit to it to my parents or anyone else. I physically will never be able to. So I dont know what to do. Fake my death? Actually kill myself? "Stop lying!" sounds like the easiest answer right? But I think I am actually sick. Because I know I cant stop. But maybe by actively trying it will be easier. It is just hard because everyday I keep lying trying to cover up past lies. If I kill myself, I would let everyone know I was a compulsive liar, so they wouldn't feel bad about me dying. But maybe I will only do that when I am an adult and in real trouble.... I just want to prevent that. I fucking hate myself. :(

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