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I can't tell what "Mental Illness" or if I even have one, am I just exaggerating?

Hello! I am 14 now starting out highschool, I have been having urging thoughts of suicide only to lead me laughing like a crazy person.

My eyes widen big and I stare for a while at nothing....

I think I can't make others happy enough, I worry about others easily than myself, struggling to shower, get out of bed, sleeping in constantly and staying up.

I always ask my self why was I born and I am just a waste of space and money and that my parents would still be happy if I was not born. My only friends I have is online friends... IRL "friends" never text me or think of me, I am always laughing in person or getting in trouble for laughing so I do not show these emotions in front of others at all but I always end up by myself or talking to no one even if I showcase a fun persona.

I have had these thoughts since I was almost 9 years old.. is that normal for a 9 year old to even think these things? But I am 14 now and glad I have holded out this long, I am too scared to even kill myself because my mom already have depression and my family is already fighting alot with each other in the house.... am I just "Crazy" or just "Depressed". It's like I do not take life serious at all.

If your wondering why I started being suicidal at 9 is because I was bullied always by peers, being called fat or just lonely and left out alot.. I was always by myself and by myself in my house. I now think about how ugly I am because of my uncontrollable acne and the only good thing I have is my body... Yes I am only noticed for my body. I've been told "have anyone ever told you that you should've stayed turned around".... please share your opinions.

Sorry for some Info you probably do not care about at all I just want SERIOUS opinions.