I didn’t want to date his mother.
I begged her not to keep it, because i know i am not capable, and i don’t think she is either. I do love him, i always knew i would. I just can’t handle him. I don’t have an autism diagnosis, but present very gnarly signal and stimulus processing problems. His cries are like knives living in my head. He knows i’m in distress and mirrors me, growing more and more upset.
Now she works 12 hour days and it’s mostly me alone with him as he begins to teethe and become inconsolable.
I’ve given up my home, my careers, my sleep, my diet, my personal space, my peace of mind. She is tired and burdened and grows colder toward me. Sometimes it feels like she speaks to me like a dog that routinely misbehaves. Her mother openly despises me.
When i am here it is torture. When i am gone i am lonely unto misery. I miss him, and i dread him. I need her, and i hate her.
I love them, and i hate me for getting myself into this.
I am lost.