I’m a young gay woman and I’ve only ever loved one person. We’ve been friends for years, then partners, and then I broke up with her at literally the worst point. Since then I’ve been in a spiral, I started smoking and drinking heavily. I dated other people, and found only infatuation but never the acceptance she always gave me, Always I go back to her in my brain. She’s still my best friend and she knows how I feel I’m certain but I’m such a fucking mess so every time we talk I say something shitty for no fucking reason like I’m just an asshole, and I know I just don’t deserve her anymore. Seventeen year old me was charming and chatty and now I’m just a hollow shell of a human grasping at the only person who brings genuine joy to my life. The only thing keeping me from giving up on life in general is the idea one day I’m going to save up, pay off her mortgage and help her get somewhere she wants to go, with or without me, but if I’m honest I know I don’t have the ambition to do it. I’m a burnt out loser at twenty years old and she’s a kind hearted, generous, warm soul who loves everyone whether it hurts her or not. She jokes that I’m nasty and she’s right,but she has no idea the extent. I could never let her see me like this really, bitter and twisted and angry, but I still can’t picture my life in ten years without her and I don’t know why I ever let my insecurities end it all.