This is what I tell the monster inside my head. "I dont care.." but yes I do. Everyday. I see people smiling and laughing, just talking normal and I think theyre talking about me, laughing at me. Someone compliments me and inside I wonder, Really? You think that? Why? Whats in it for you? Im undiagnosed but I fit all the cues for High Functioning Anxiety. Everyday I battle that monstrous voice in my head that beats me down. I dont care!!!!! .. but I do though. I do care. I care so much Im in pain and my body is wearing down because of it. I wake up and for a brief moment before the monster wakes, I am hopeful. It could be a great day! It could actually be real great! and then it whispers softly, "But you know it wont be, right? How stupid are you right now?" And honestly I am stupid. Cuz I fight the monster until Im exhaused and it wins everytime. How do I know? Ive had one real relationship my whole life and Im 36 this year. Ive dated this person in Jr High and High School, married them, had two kids with them, and gotten divorced. I still love them even tho they are the farthest thing from the the person I fell in love with, but I cant shake it. How do you just stop loving someone? Its not like flipping a lightswitch, deff not for me. I tried getting with others.. Ive done some real stupid things, almost died. I could've lost it all and still this person affected me enuf that I almost asked them if they wanted to give it one more shot.. but they brought someone they were dating to sign the divorce papers.. man if that just didnt hammer the final nail on the box my heart is in. I mean that rebroke my heart all over again. Oh and I have kids during all this. Yeah so I watch them deal with not having a parent around.. my fault I know. Its my fault. Monster says I should know better, and even now that horrible little voice is trying to twist what Im typing out, whispering little edits. God, Im so sick of being lonely. I love my kids but I just want someone next to me. To love me for me, and not want to get me to do things Im not comfortable doing. I grew up around violence and then my ex got into drugs and hurt me when I wouldnt do what they wanted. Felt so weak. I know Im beyond damaged.. Im too broken to be any good for anyone. This at least is the one thing me and monster agree on. That I should stay alone. But I hate it. And I dont care.. but I do.. God I swear I really do.