Time Spent- 6s
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I don’t feel loved

I don’t feel loved every time I find a friend and I try to get close to them something just triggers me to leave. I’ve been feeling so alone lately I don’t know what to do I try hanging out with friends but they always cancel on me and it tares me apart. I’ve been through too many toxic friends that I don’t know who to trust anymore. I had some friends that were pretty cool but they were pushing me to say I’m gay when I’m not so they can use that against me. They won’t stop trying to get in contact with me for no reason when they keep accusing me of using them. I transferred because I couldn’t handle the pain any longer but I moved back because my mom didn’t like the school. I cried when I left the new school my heart shattered and I had fear to go back. Everyone knew I left and when I came back everyone told me they didn’t miss me and it was one of the girls birthday and she told me why did I have to come back and ruin her birthday. My mom knows but she just says that they don’t matter and it’s true but what am I supposed to do with that. Then I try to meet up with some old elementary school friends because I’m honestly just desperate to leave the house and have friends I can go out with but they’ve been continuously cancelling one me and I don’t know why. I’ve been given no explanation as to why I’ve been treated this way. I’ve been crying and falling upset for the past 4 years and I can’t change anything because everything just keeps repeating itself. Everyone is holding grudges on me and I feel their eyes as I walk down the halls at school. I’ve been harassed by them and threatened to be killed and I fear to tell anyone. I have been pointed by a gun before and I don’t want to experience that again. After all of this I’m still trying to find a relationship like what is wrong with me I’m a horrible person why do I think anyone would like after having a horrible attitude towards anyone when I’m mad. When I grow mad I feel so guilty I hate it because I feel like I’m just such a horrible person who can’t do anything except cause problems. I feel like any where I go drama follows. I surround myself by people who cause drama unknowingly and I keep getting betrayed. I used to talk to this boy who would help me get through these emotions but we stopped talking and since my heart has been losing trust I can’t talk to any boy because I always compare them to him and I hate and without knowing I always mention him when I talk to a boy I like and slowly begin to almost cry. I don’t know why I’m like this or what to do but I just want a shoulder to cry on, someone who loves me, just someone who gives a warm heart