I don't know. I don't know anymore, what's bothering me. I don't know why I am always sad, or in bad mood, disturbed, feeling empty, tired. Or maybe I know. I just don't want to accept the truth, because, low key, I cannot do anything about it anymore. I've been in depression, since 2016, I guess. It's not because of any particular incident. I've been through a lot. But, I always feel like I'm complaining and making an issue out of it. I often choose to ignore my mental health. Depression forms in layers. It's all about incident after incident. I used to be a very enthusiastic person with a bubbly personality. I liked to get surrounded by people, I had many friends (atleast I used to think that way). Slowly, my world started changing. I exactly don't know when. Everyone started ghosting me. Just like that. I've studied in a particular school for 12 years. But I had to leave for certain reasons. No one even kept contact. My dearest friends left. They ghosted me on my birthday. I realized that when, I called them for meeting up on my b'day. No one came. Everyone blocked me, or ignored my calls and texts. I hate my birthday now. I had a best friend. I've known her my whole life, literally. We were like soulmates. She got a boyfriend, left me. She clearly stated that I am no more her first priority. Rather, I don't mean much to her. She could let go of our 15 years of friendship, for a relationship of not even 5 months. I fell in love with a guy. He didn't love me back, but he knew that I did. He always used to hang around and flirt. Slowly, I became dependent on him. Ofc, I had no one else. New school was sucking (it still does though). One day, he accidentally kissed me. Everything seemed to be alright. But later, he denied everything, made fun of me and all and all. I again, got hurt. He texted me "LEAVE", and I did. I took self harm as an option. Though I feel it pointless now. Time went by. I got into a relationship with one of my new classmates. (Why? I don't know. I was not even into him.) We broke up. Rather, I broke up. I was tired of babysitting him. He loved me, but he is a liar. I hate him. Seriously. But I hate myself even more. I often do things, that I cannot explain. I don't know the reason behind stuff I do. My current situation:Almost 2 months back, I met a guy. Online. He is very charismatic. The way he talks, oof. But, again, I love him, he doesn't. I am just his friend with benefits. I hate when he calls me that. But the truth is, I do love him. He has a different life story. Abandoned, left alone, raped, drugged, I cannot even start to tell. He has hyper sexuality. He approaches many girl, online. He did to me as well. But, he is so my type, I fell for him. I just wanted to be his friend. I don't want anything from him. He opens up to me, but still, I'm 'almost' a friend. I get hurt. I am hurt. He doesn't attach himself emotionally, but he wants to. But, he is not able to. He thinks, even I am gonna leave. We stay very very far away. I've never even met him. But..... I do... Love him.... He does certain things that hurt me, sometimes intentionally. Like, ignoring texts and calls for days. I know he goes through a rough patch, but I am always there, if he needs me. I low key hate everyone around me. But there are also very few people left, I'd even take a bullet for. And that guy, is one of them. He is not replying to me. Never mind. He will, soon. Everyone judges me. Tells me I'm a child. This isn't love. And all.... But, I know, what I feel.I really get angry, upset, irritated whenever he doesn't talk to me, and ghosts me like that. But, as soon as he calls or texts me, my mood lifts. I hate it. I hate to remain dependant on someone else, for my happiness. I get such mixed feelings and I tremendous mood swings. People ask me, why? I don't tell them the whole thing. I just say, I don't know.