I dont know

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Life kinda feels worthless at this point for me... im 13, lost all my ambition and dont feel happy with improving with my strengths and god my parents- if i ever be myself around them id expect a slap or to be reprimanded. i cant get a therapist or anything since i feel like id probably disappoint my parents and theyd say im just "young" and aren't feeling sad, but i only have one real friend (currently). i tried making more, but im the only one who really talks and they show little to no interest in wanting to be my friend too.

i also dont have a good backstory with friends either.. i had this best friend for 5 years starting in 1st grade. in 5th grade she started becoming aggressive, doing bad things, etc. and then shed chase me around and give me 3 seconds to run, then shed start kicking me and when i screamed for my other friends for help they would just stand there.. i tried to hide behind them a lot but nothing. she also hit me hard with her lunchbox on the eye and nose, and in both instances all my other friends except one left.

fastforward to 6th grade, i stopped hanging out with her because my "friends" started disliking her because she was problematic with them too, and my friend (from 1st grade) ghosted me. she told me "you seem happier with your other friends" in a "nice" way before she ghosted me again a few minutes later. i still think about it even though it was a year ago and cry myself to sleep thinking its my fault.

remember the friend that stayed with me throughout everything that i mentioned earlier? they stopped being friends with me after i confessed to her out of guilt that i used to talk about her behind her back (i used to say so much terrible things about her and made my other friend make her feel like shit). im trying so hard to become better, but every good step i take i go 5 steps backward. ive been trying so hard to be optimistic and i feel bad for my friends because i vent to them quite a lot, so im trying to stop and suck it up but idk how to. i dont cut and i really dont want to die. i want help. happiness. hope. but i also want to sink into the world and stay sad because i feel like i deserve it after all this time... i ruined one of the only people who cared about me's life, i cant be myself around the people i call "family", and i feel like my company makes others miserable.

if you're reading this far, sorry its so unorganized,, i kind of went through a burst of emotion while writing this..

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