I truly believe nobody likes me, that my friends will love the day they get rid of me. They probably only keep me in the group to laugh at me. They don't include me in plans, but why would they, am I right? I don't believe I deserve any better anyway. But I do feel so so so so so alone. I just can't anymore. It feels wrong wanting to have someone close to me which I can rant to. Someone who would give me affection. I never got that as a child, or any in general. It feels wrong wanting affection. It feels wrong thinking of someone who would actually care about me.
I hurt everyday, physically and mentally. My parents don't believe that I am in pain, and they blame it on me not wanting to attend P.E class, which I do, but, it just hurts to. They shrug it off and laugh when i tell them about it. So do my friends. My legs have been hurting ever since I was 8, and they know that. So do my lungs, I have many times, passed out in P.E class because I couldn't breath anymore. It's like something is closing my airways.
Everyone stares at me on the street, and that they laugh behind my back and such. It's probably because of how I look. I'm not the only one thinking I look horrible. I hear the most horrible sounds at night, and I panic so much, I just freeze in place and stare at my surroundings, observing them for any movement. I stop everything and just stare, and listen, very closely. I either hyperventilate or I hypoventilate and sometimes shake. It goes for around 10-30 mins, depending on the day. 30 mins of not moving. I cannot deal with that anymore.