I always try to be happy in front of other people because I don't really have the reason not to. Like, sure, my siblings and I... we have a complicated relationship right now and it's taking a toll on me. As well as my other relatives, I have problems with them as well but besides that, I have friends and I meet welcoming people but I always seem to degrade myself the more time passes. I don't know if it's because it's quarantine that it's getting worse but this is the worst I have felt in my whole life. I've cut myself hundreds of times, cried in bathroom stalls, cried every night... I don't want to self-diagnose but I think I'm not happy. But I really don't know.
I try to help other people as well! I've tried to reach out to some of you and I always want to be welcoming but I can't really welcome myself the way I welcome other people. It's easy to love others but I don't think I could love myself. Sorry if this made you sad. I just needed to vent it out.