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I don't know

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I don't know where to put this... and this is my first time really ever talking about this, even now I'm scared to. But I've been depressed ever since I was a kid. I'm in my late teens about to turn 20 and I don't really have any energy anymore, like I wonder why I exist, why I have dreams that will never happen and they mock me for it. Its like life just goes on without me. There are some days where I'm happy, and others I could just disappear at any moment. I judge myself based on others, I'll look at them and see what I can fix in myself, to look different and dress different ... be different...and experiences in my life make me feel like a used and broken toy, from being manipulated to taken advantage of.. Ever since Corona my depression has gotten even worse, and somedays I wish I wasn't here.... like was someone else and not me. Even though I'm not going to do anything to myself... and that there's a lot more I'd like to say.. I just feel alone.... sorry.