5 months ago
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I don't know how I feel

The rape I experienced was not as bad as what he done to the other underage girl, I know. I know he only went inside me once as I got off him because it hurt and didn't want him going in again. I'm sorry I didn't realise what happened till I heard about the story about the other girl. I haven't lied about what happened to me though. The logic that I know have is: if you get stabbed once and die or 20 times and die, did you still die? I was penetrated anally once and she was penetrated many, but did we both still die inside? I still feel selfish about how I feel though. It's like, I should be happy that I got it easier. It's like my mind is split into two parts which are both conflicted with each other. I hate it.





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5 months ago

Re: I don't know how I feel

You poor thing. I love you. Rape is rape. There’s no little or big rape. I used to make love to my wife. Two people in love making love is wonderful. You will have that later in life. But a mother fucker raping you is horrible.

I started being mollested at 2. By 4 I started remembering oral sex; mollestation; forced nudity. There was also beatings; starvation; torture. More than one person. I was molded. I learned to endure anything in hopes of not being tortured. I got so big I could have fought back. I’m sorry if I say rude words to a child. But we both know once your raped you can’t be s child anymore. We have our childhood stolen. So I’m going to use adult words to hopefully help you. Don’t say it out loud. But you have to learn to say fuck that mother fucker in your head. I waited way too long to do that. I wish I’d dealt with it long ago.

At like 11 I started getting erections. Probably from the sex stuff. Sorry; I’m a dude. Now it was more fun for them. I got big enough to fight back. But I’m autistic & only did once. So there I was; tall; muscular; still letting myself be touched; sucked on, & looked at. I’d disappear into my mind. Put on a fake smile. Pray to die.

Maybe it was the autism but as adult I kept letting myself be used. I looked like a pretty girl till puberty. Then a beautiful man. I’d end up in sexual relationships with women. They could see me nude. I look like a movie star. So a lot wanted to. I’d have sex. But I’d keep them from doing oral sex. If they tried to force it I’d leave. A couple were so aggressive I raised my voice. Told them to stop. I left fast.

I’ve never had oral sex again since under 18. It’s weird; in my mind I have this weird fascination with oral sex. I imagine the women I I’ve had sex with; but immediately I feel sick. Sometimes I start to shake.

I’ve recently tried to look at legal porn to overcome all of this. Mainly because PTSD caused me to stop letting my wife touch me. I stopped letting her see me nude. It was part health problems. Mostly the flash backs. I can’t admit it to myself; but that’s the main reason she divorced me. So I honestly try to look at pictures of nude women & not be afraid. I started that while still married. She thought I was turning into a pervert. No. I was trying to conquer endless flashbacks of being sex assaulted. It’s slowly working. I keep trying in case she ever takes me back. I’m even looking at women who have bodies more like hers since she got sick & skinny.

But I still panick. A grown man laying in his bed shaking in fear from looking at a picture of a nude woman because I was mollested as a little boy & am reliving it. Sad. If a lion jumped in here I’d fight it. But a memory makes me shake. I’ve actually peed my pants after a female nurse had to touch me. I can’t even see a male doctor due to being raped by a large 280 lb man as a pre teen. I tried to block it out for yrs. Then I got older & it came back. All of those people died; yet in my mind I still relive it.

After yrs of therapy I realized why I had sex with all those women. They loved that I was kind; gentle; & beautiful. I realize now I just wanted sex without the force or violence. I just wanted to be touched. My parents gave me away. Even now I’m shaking as I write this. But I want to help you. Sorry. I have to speed up.

No one ever hugged me until my wife did. Women wanted sex with me. But no hugs. I’m not counting ones leading to sex. My wife would just hold my hand. Walk with me. Hug me. No trying to rip her or my clothes off without asking. We waited till our marriage was planned. Then she & I slowly worked it out. Since the day I fell in love with her she’s the only one I can get sexually excited thinking about. Pictures of naked just become me imaging her. That’s love.

The point of all this is 1) you need to deal with it now. Don’t bottle it up till your middle aged like I did. It crushes me now.

2) realize I still found love eventually. But I allowed a lot of women to use my body for sex just so I could have human contact. I really just wanted to be hugged; loved; & have someone say I love you. My parents never told me that once. Never hugged me. Never held my hand. Just gave me away as a little boy.

Do not let this experience ruin your life. Face it now. Deal with it now. You did nothing wrong young lady. They did. They are wrong. Not you. Don’t feel ugly or defiled. After marriage my wife admitted she’d had her own issue. That’s why she didn’t date or have sex. She was waiting on a hero to come find her. It was me.

I love you. In a Christian way. Everyone should hear that once before they are grown. Jesus loves you. I hope it works out for you. God Bless


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