I’m in love. Put it plainly I’ve been in love with him kinda a little while after I met him. I knew it would never happen cuz of conflicting religion and distance but he did one day tell me that he had feelings for me. Fast forward a couple of months and I’m still stuck hard but we both agreed to just try to move on. He succeeded ig. He told me that he loved me only platonically and I lied and told him the platonic feeling was mutual. And ever since then, he spoke to me about this girl he met. Honestly it was painful and it always was painful when he talked about her but I did a pretty good job in not letting him see that. And every single time, I feel so conflicted on what to feel because I am unbelievably happy that he is finding someone to love and who loves him equally and then at the same time, it hurts so much. And he recently asked me for advice on whether he should get together with her, I gave him the advice based on her and him and kept my feelings out of it as much as possible. He ended up going forward with it.
And now I’m just so torn, I feel so happy that they found each other, I feel so hurt too because I would do anything for it to be instead, I’m jealous of her because she is everything I will never be, I also feel so guilty for even thinking about him in that way because he’s not single anymore. I’m just trying to go on and pretend that I’m fine but the truth is I’m not and I don’t know how to get over him and move on. He has no idea how much I love him or how much I value him in my life and I intend on him never finding out because i don’t want to ruin a friendship. I also don’t want to stop talking to him or distance myself a bit in hopes to get over him because I tried already and the results were just me being even more miserable and missing him loads which led to me falling deeper. I just don’t know what to do or how to feel, it just hurts and I can’t really talk about it to anybody.