so basically I was in a relationship for a year and a half. We met in college and we lived together. In the beginning it seemed perfect but after a couple months I found out he was cheating on me. And I was dumb and stayed. It only got worse from there. he became very abusive. Emotionally, verbally, and physically. he’s choked me till I passed out, he’s hit me, he’s broken my car windshield my car doors, doors in my house he busted down, he’s broken thousands of dollars of things, and he was always calling me names and treating me horribly. He would call me crazy for not trusting him when in reality I had a reason to not trust him because he was always cheating on me. I ended up getting pregnant by him and I was forced into an abortion I did not wanna Have. And to this day I am very traumatized from that day and I regret it more than anything And it’s been around six months and I still cry daily about it and it makes it even worse because my due date was yesterday. Fast forward he moved back to his hometown and we were long distance. He started ignoring me and getting mad whenever I try to talk to him but he refused to break up and said that he loved me and he just needs alone time even though he was always getting that. He started posting girls and hiding it from me and I had to find out from other people telling me. He would lie to me about who they were and get mad whenever I would feel uncomfortable with that. A couple of days ago I ended up seeing his DM’s while he was out with another girl and had his phone off and it was so disgusting, I knew he was cheating but I did not think it would be that bad. He drove me insane for months on end and told me I was crazy for even thinking he would do that and saying he was changed. I ended up finding the girl and told her everything he’s done and that we were actually together the whole time they were talking. I don’t know what’s going on between them she told me she doesn’t wanna be with him anymore but she has to go along with it because he has some thing of hers that she needs back and when she gets that she’ll leave. But I have a feeling she doesn’t believe me even though I’ve showed her multiple videos of things he’s done to me, and messages between him and I and all the DM‘s he was sending. he was asking to have sex with so many girls it was so disgusting I have not hardly ate since I’ve seen those messages. And when I told him that I seen them he told me I was stressing him out and that he didn’t want to talk to me. he kept telling me I was crazy for being mad about that and I’m always focused on the past even though I found out literally 3 days ago. I blocked him and he made fake accounts to talk to me saying he missed me. I didn’t wanna hear any of it but for some reason I kept replying. He was telling me he loves me and that we are together forever and he doesn’t care how I feel and he’s going to come see me on my birthday that’s coming up in a couple of days. He doesn’t know I was talking to the girl he was with and he still lied to me about her. he told me he wanted to break up and he never wants to talk to me again but he does this a lot and he always comes back. I know i shouldn’t care but this hurts so bad because I put so much energy into him and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and I kept loving him through everything he did to me. And he’s telling this other girl he loves her and he’s only known her for like three months. It hurts so bad and I’m already dealing with depression and I’m suicidal and right now I’ve never felt worse.I keep thinking of everything he kept saying to these girls, he was telling girls I was dead, he told them I didn’t mean shit to him, and Was referring to me as a bitch. There’s messages between him and his ex were they met up a couple months ago but nothing happened I guess. I don’t know why I love him so much I don’t wanna love him because this hurts so bad. he made me feel crazy for things he was actually doing and despite me breaking down and crying all the time to him about how I was feeling he didn’t care enough to change. I know I was stupid for staying and I really wish I didn’t but I’m in so much pain right now and I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m on the edge I want to kill myself. I keep thinking of him with another girl and thinking maybe he’ll get right for her and treat her better than he treated me and I know no girl deserves to go what I went through but it still hurts to think of that. I feel alone. He constantly accusing me of cheating But I’m not I feel sick when I think of me being with someone else. I can’t picture myself being in another relationship. I’m scared and just thinking of me being with someone else other than him makes me feel nauseous. Deep down I know he won’t change and I know I should not care but I can’t stop crying non stop and it’s been three days. we talked today but it was just him telling me I was crazy And I’m dragging the situation. He told me he hated me and i ruin everything because he found out I told her. Thinking of him with another girl, loving another girl, spending his life with another girl makes me sick. I regret meeting him because I was doing so good in life before I met him. Because of him I lost everything. My car, my apartment, my sanity. I want to stop feeling. i’m constantly looking for ways to just shut emotions out I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I can’t stop crying because I know he’s telling another girl he loves her and he just met her. I feel so weak but I don’t know what to do. I can’t go to therapy I feel so uncomfortable talking about how I feel in front of people and showing vulnerability I just can’t do it I’ve tried multiple times throughout my life. I have like three friends and they’re always busy so I can’t do anything with them. And even if I can I just feel so horrible I just want lay in bed all day. I hardly eat since me and him first started having these problems when he moved back to his hometown a couple hours Away I lost around 20 pounds because I’m not eating and it’s been around four months since I haven’t seen him. I feel devastated and betrayed because I put so much into him and I don’t do that often. I have no strength for anything. I wrote him a long paragraph last night about how I feel and he asked me to read it to them while I was on the phone with him and while I was reading it halfway he hung up and then he responded he hung up because he doesn’t wanna hear me nagging about how I feel because “I’m always trying to make him out to be the bad guy” I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to commit suicide one of these days. I’m on depression medicine and it’s helped a little but after I’ve seen everything I just saw I feel stuck. I knew this was coming but I stayed because I loved him. and now I have to sit here knowing he is with someone else telling them he loves them. And there was so many other girls in his DM‘s that he was trying to talk to and begging to talk to, and asking to make only fans videos with them and paying for nudes. I just lay in bed and stare off thinking about everything about the situation and I feel stuck. i’ve been through break ups in the past but none of my exes treated me this way they all treated me good, but somehow this Break up hurts the most despite how he treated me and things he’s done. I feel like I’m going crazy and I have nobody to talk to and I’m in constant pain. I know this may seem dramatic but I really loved him despite everything because even though there was really horrible times between us it was also good times and I’m stuck on them. This feeling is worse than death. I’ve always been a more sensitive person when I love someone because I love too hard and feel things Way too deeply.I feel like that’s my downfall. I’m just coming on here to see if anyone has experienced a break up like this or if anyone knows how to quickly get rid of these feelings because I really feel like I’m going to have a mental break down one of these days and kill myself. and to also note, This break up is not the only thing that makes me feel this way. Throughout my life I have been molested for years by stepdad, I’ve been drugged and raped, been abused and homeless and a lot of other things that contribute to my depression but the situation just make things worse and I’ve never felt worse than I do now.