I don't know what to do with my lifeSo I'm a 23 year old gay indian male. I've lost all the motivation to live. So the thing is I'm supper depressed about my future and love life. I want someone to love and be loved, but here's the deal my parents are not just conservative they actually are way too deep into adhyatam/spirituality. They worship someone and moreover are people of hard belief and have suffered A LOT in life. Like seriously they have been betrayed by not just their own mother, father , brothers and sisters but also whom they use to think as their real true friends. They have deeply deeply suffered in life. And I don't think so I know so that if they get to know that I smoke, drink, smoke up, or hook up (let's keep me being gay aside , that's way too big of a thing) they'll die of a heart attack or stroke. I'm not even exaggerating, I played a role my whole life to be a good son and keep them from worrying about me at all. And I feel they already are broken from this society and world for what it has done to them . If they get to know that I'm gay , they'll literally won't be able to take it.Now here's where it gets all complex, I can't tell them this and I can't marry under pressure, I won't destroy a girls life just coz I wanna save mine or my family's. So I can't come out to them and I can't harm someone else and because of this constant struggle I've deliberately stopped myself from dating, loving or developing a major crush on someone too. I can't because it'll harm both the person and me and I just won't be able to control myself. I cry to sleep every night. I also did a jee mains drop year after 12th which obviously had no effect and I failed. I got into depression at that time and since then I've felt like a failure and have depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I tried killing myself but I'm such a coward I couldn't do that too. Kept on thinking about them , how they'll die from the inside after it and how they'll again have to struggle because of me and how I'll again be nothing but a failure. I just want to kill myself but don't wanna hurt my parents. I have no motivation . I've tried meeting new people, having sex , weed , ciggerates , alcohol . I've outgrown everything I just don't find any reason to live but I can't die also. I'm going on repeating an act daily. I just wanna die.