lately i have been at my lowest. these feelings started way back 2017 when my family got problems. i remember it was almost my birthday when things feel down. birthdays were never really a good thing to me. as if it is that day i knew something terrible will happen and i guess it is true. my stepfather whom i never really been close to begin with but we are civil. he treats me and my siblings right. but let me share his background story. he is in marine profession, had a perfect family before us and had a great enthusiasm. he came back to the country after serving his years in the ocean and met with his family in the QWERTY (redacted because privacy but let me just put that our country is made of many islands so we have to travel by air or a ship in order to get to the biggest city). but after spending moments with his wife and children, they had to go back to our city. which is i do not know the reason as to why his wife and their 3 children were the only one who is leaving but maybe my stepfather had to process some important files of his arrival and also i am not sure with the details but all ages of the kids were told to be below 7 and the youngest was not yet even 1 year old. they travelled by a ship since the 'air' option was hard since she had to carry 3 kids. so when travelling through the water, it will take almost 3 days to get to the city. i also do not know what was the reason as to why they chose to travel by sea when in fact travelling by air will only take 30 minutes or so. but the most heartbreaking part was that the ship they were on was hit by the typhoon and almost all the passengers were all dead and even is still missing. i know this may sound surreal but it is what happened to them. both my mom and my stepfather were widowed and both met through a mutual friend. the first meeting of me and my siblings towards my stepfather was a bit vivid to me since we were used to one parent. but still we accepted a new part of the family. he was good to us (still is) and treated us as if we were his children. but 2017 came when i just got home from class and saw my mom crying in the corner of their room asking us to pray with her because our stepfather was in a situation were he does not talk to anybody and was not eating at all. worst was that he was in the middle of his work which is in the sea and we cannot just automatically connect to him through social media since there were no signals at his workstation. we just only know it after days when one of his co-worker messaged my mom saying about his situation. for months we spent praying together and when their ship was almost near to our country, they dropped him off and immediately my mom book a flight to go to QWERTY and was accompanied by one of my step's niece because my mom was nervous and almost breaking down already. my mother never brought up the reason as to why my stepfather had that situation. but unknowingly to my mom, i accidentally opened her account and read the messages from the guy who informed my mom as to what was happening with my stepfather. i read the reason and my tears was nonstop flowing. i was lucky it was midnight and my mom was at QWERTY when i read those heartbreaking stories. the guy told that my stepfather was sleep-talking with his late wife. he said that whenever he fells asleep, he was a different person and that he was also talking with his kids too. the guy then told my mom to pray for the souls of the wife and their children. after reading, i was staring at the wall for an hour. i had thoughts asking why did my mom had to keep it in herself. and that made me burst into tears again. my stepfather was confined in the hospital and was assessed to have a depression. they went home to our place and suddenly the mood was eerie. though i always went home late because of the travel time from my school to our place takes 3 hours from my last class. almost as if everything was in stop motion. my mother told us to not make any noises since my stepfather gets easily irritated from loud noises. and it took almost a year when everything was back in normal. 3 years passed and he was back normal again. but last year 2020, he had to stop going back to his work because he also suffered health problem and was having difficulties in his bowel movements so he had to go through operation even if it was still in pandemic and we were struggling too with the financial since my mom was the only one working at that time. and also, after that 2017 year, everything started to fall for me. was in my first year college and took up course which was not my field since it was my mom's choice. i failed that major and tried to hide it from my mom and took up again for the second time that next semester but then i failed again. that was when 2019 came and i had the courage to tell my mom to shift courses and she agreed. but i thought everything was alright. i love my current course soooo much but i guess i was still in a shock moment. i failed two of my major and kept it again from my mom. the next semester i only had 4 courses to take and failed 3 of them since i did not even show up to that classes (my family and friends thinks that i still go to these classes but then i was not). and the the pandemic started and my will was at zero percent. the next semester, i took again those 2 subjects i failed in my first year but then failed again because i always lost interest at the middle of everything. but the worst of it all was that, my mom never knew my doings. i always come up with a lie. lie after lie. even to my friends. 2021 started and not even half of the year yet and we already experience again those distressing 2017 feelings. my stepfather was back at again. he was normal way back in september and was given a go to go back to his work since we are also struggling after his operation. but just last last week when my mother texted me to go and pray for him. and in that moment, i knew. its like a domino effect. one gets hit and the others hits back. i was hesitating if i will start my year in a good start by continuing my studies and be a good student but i guess this is still not yet the right time. we decided that i should just not go to college this semester as my mom is full of loans. loans after loans. and i just knew this earlier that my stepfather was dropped at netherlands to go to a hospital since their ship was going forward. my mom was miserable, thinking that he was the only one being in that place and not even a love one near to him. i guess i get that trait from my mom, the one that is good at hiding. i am afraid tell my friends that i will be not continuing school this semester and that because i was known to be abundant, i mean my family was known to be doing well. doing well means rich and not having any problems at all but just little they do not know, i am hiding my problems from them. i am a silent person and i do not really share some of my personal problems towards my friends because i just do not feel like it. even to my family, i rarely share my thoughts. i just hope everything will be okay even if it is hard. even if i become so numb to the pain, i just hope for the goodness of the people around me, to my loved ones and i guess for myself too. frankly, i always had the thoughts of wishing that i should just vanish from the air, but i also keep on reminding myself that maybe, just maybe, i just wanted to be found.

lately i have been at my lowest. these feelings started way back 2017 when my family got problems. i remember it was almost my birthday when things feel down. birthdays were never really a good thing to me. as if it is that day i knew something terrible will happen and i guess it is true. my stepfather whom i never really been close to begin with but we are civil. he treats me and my siblings right. but let me share his background story. he is in marine profession, had a perfect family before us and had a great enthusiasm. he came back to the country after serving his years in the ocean and met with his family in the QWERTY (redacted because privacy but let me just put that our country is made of many islands so we have to travel by air or a ship in order to get to the biggest city). but after spending moments with his wife and children, they had to go back to our city. which is i do not know the reason as to why his wife and their 3 children were the only one who is leaving but maybe my stepfather had to process some important files of his arrival and also i am not sure with the details but all ages of the kids were told to be below 7 and the youngest was not yet even 1 year old. they travelled by a ship since the 'air' option was hard since she had to carry 3 kids. so when travelling through the water, it will take almost 3 days to get to the city. i also do not know what was the reason as to why they chose to travel by sea when in fact travelling by air will only take 30 minutes or so. but the most heartbreaking part was that the ship they were on was hit by the typhoon and almost all the passengers were all dead and even is still missing. i know this may sound surreal but it is what happened to them.both my mom and my stepfather were widowed and both met through a mutual friend. the first meeting of me and my siblings towards my stepfather was a bit vivid to me since we were used to one parent. but still we accepted a new part of the family. he was good to us (still is) and treated us as if we were his children. but 2017 came when i just got home from class and saw my mom crying in the corner of their room asking us to pray with her because our stepfather was in a situation were he does not talk to anybody and was not eating at all. worst was that he was in the middle of his work which is in the sea and we cannot just automatically connect to him through social media since there were no signals at his workstation. we just only know it after days when one of his co-worker messaged my mom saying about his situation. for months we spent praying together and when their ship was almost near to our country, they dropped him off and immediately my mom book a flight to go to QWERTY and was accompanied by one of my step's niece because my mom was nervous and almost breaking down already. my mother never brought up the reason as to why my stepfather had that situation. but unknowingly to my mom, i accidentally opened her account and read the messages from the guy who informed my mom as to what was happening with my stepfather. i read the reason and my tears was nonstop flowing. i was lucky it was midnight and my mom was at QWERTY when i read those heartbreaking stories. the guy told that my stepfather was sleep-talking with his late wife. he said that whenever he fells asleep, he was a different person and that he was also talking with his kids too. the guy then told my mom to pray for the souls of the wife and their children. after reading, i was staring at the wall for an hour. i had thoughts asking why did my mom had to keep it in herself. and that made me burst into tears again.my stepfather was confined in the hospital and was assessed to have a depression. they went home to our place and suddenly the mood was eerie. though i always went home late because of the travel time from my school to our place takes 3 hours from my last class. almost as if everything was in stop motion. my mother told us to not make any noises since my stepfather gets easily irritated from loud noises. and it took almost a year when everything was back in normal. 3 years passed and he was back normal again. but last year 2020, he had to stop going back to his work because he also suffered health problem and was having difficulties in his bowel movements so he had to go through operation even if it was still in pandemic and we were struggling too with the financial since my mom was the only one working at that time. and also, after that 2017 year, everything started to fall for me. was in my first year college and took up course which was not my field since it was my mom's choice. i failed that major and tried to hide it from my mom and took up again for the second time that next semester but then i failed again. that was when 2019 came and i had the courage to tell my mom to shift courses and she agreed. but i thought everything was alright. i love my current course soooo much but i guess i was still in a shock moment. i failed two of my major and kept it again from my mom. the next semester i only had 4 courses to take and failed 3 of them since i did not even show up to that classes (my family and friends thinks that i still go to these classes but then i was not). and the the pandemic started and my will was at zero percent. the next semester, i took again those 2 subjects i failed in my first year but then failed again because i always lost interest at the middle of everything. but the worst of it all was that, my mom never knew my doings. i always come up with a lie. lie after lie. even to my friends.2021 started and not even half of the year yet and we already experience again those distressing 2017 feelings. my stepfather was back at again. he was normal way back in september and was given a go to go back to his work since we are also struggling after his operation. but just last last week when my mother texted me to go and pray for him. and in that moment, i knew. its like a domino effect. one gets hit and the others hits back. i was hesitating if i will start my year in a good start by continuing my studies and be a good student but i guess this is still not yet the right time. we decided that i should just not go to college this semester as my mom is full of loans. loans after loans. and i just knew this earlier that my stepfather was dropped at netherlands to go to a hospital since their ship was going forward. my mom was miserable, thinking that he was the only one being in that place and not even a love one near to him. i guess i get that trait from my mom, the one that is good at hiding. i am afraid tell my friends that i will be not continuing school this semester and that because i was known to be abundant, i mean my family was known to be doing well. doing well means rich and not having any problems at all but just little they do not know, i am hiding my problems from them. i am a silent person and i do not really share some of my personal problems towards my friends because i just do not feel like it. even to my family, i rarely share my thoughts. i just hope everything will be okay even if it is hard. even if i become so numb to the pain, i just hope for the goodness of the people around me, to my loved ones and i guess for myself too. frankly, i always had the thoughts of wishing that i should just vanish from the air, but i also keep on reminding myself that maybe, just maybe, i just wanted to be found.