I don't know why...

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I don't know what I've been doing. What's my use? Yeah I work but nothing comes out of it. I act like all my problems in life are the worst. I complain and complain. I feel like my family doesn't really like me that much. And it's sad cause I know they do. But I can't take this. I mean obviously I can but I don't want to. Is there some reason that people just ignore my calls and just never call back. What have I done? Am I so annoying that no one is ready to do anything for me. I feel like I'm asking for favours but it's just a basic human thing especially when you're friends with someone. They should do it, no? They should want to do it! I don't think I have a true friend. I feel like I've been one to them but what in return? Obviously I keep thinking about myself and everyday gets worse. This online thing is so so bad I can't! I feel like the last five years of my life have been nothing! I don't know how to put it in words. I feel like if my grandma was here right now, everything would be alright. Cause seeing her made everything okay. I genuinely loved her you know. I sleep in her bed and I miss her so fucking much. So fucking much! Everything is just stressful and I don't want it. The smallest of problems come and I feel like what am I gonna do? There are people with worse problems and actual depression and here's me. See the only thing is, I was promised fun, I was looking forward to it but nothing is working out the way I want it to. It's a fucking mental toll I don't want to deal with. Yes I come from privilege and my problems don't even come close to yours but please!! Look me in the eyes once cause I really just wanna cry. I want to cry so much! I want to feel alive cause right now, I'm just lying around. I am in all true senses, a useless waste of space. But I try you know, I do. Maybe not enough but I do. It's not that I'm sad. I'm just never happy. I'm just there. I'm not happy. Happiness is not a minute or two of laughs for me, it's a mental state where I don't have to think. I don't know how to explain. I don't know the day I'll be truly happy. But I can't. Studies suck. They do. They've taken everything from me. I could've been something better. But I'm not. I'm not comfortable under my skin and I don't love myself. Saying this makes me cry but I don't. And that's the truth. I haven't loved myself in a long long time. It's not that I can't, I just don't.

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