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I don't like to be alive.

I'm really good at pretending to be happy, I'm good at doing what I'm supposed to, at being what I'm expected to, I've done it for almost 30 years and I'll continue to do it for the rest of my life. 

I think someone made a mistake, I am a 100% sure I'm not supposed to be here, in this world, alive... I'm never truly happy, or sad, It's like I don't really feel anything, like I'm "fake feeling", whatever emotion lasts only a few minutes, like a high, and then I go back to feeling nothing.

It's not like I want to kill myself, I don't. I just don't like being here, I never have.

I know I must stay though, I'm my mother's everything, and she is all I have. I have to stay for her, I just really wish I wanted to stay for me. 

It's sad to think that I'll never know who I really am or what I really want, I'll never have my own life.

Maybe one day I'll go to sleep and I'll stay that way... one can only hope. 

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Re: I don't like to be alive.

There is more to life... always see for changes... although its 30 years but you never know what life has kept for you... may be your life's purpose is on its way, wait ...wait until your last breadth, miracles comes to each of us... there is no one in this world who do not get a chance to do something for themselves... just catch the opportunity whenevr it comes to you.. amd leave that thought that you are living for your mother... beacuse eventually you are living for yourself...because you want your mother to not to be alone... so cheer up.. you are doing exactly what you want to do... and my wishes to you to find your goals in life.. Stay blessed and never look down at yourself keep your esteem high.... there is nothing more proud than standing and facing this damn world...and you are doing that every day.. salute!