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I Don’t like to Lie.

I swear to everyone, I swear on my life I don’t like to lie. I really don’t, but growing up with my father-it was so he’d not too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad, I absolutely love him. He’s my hero, and the man who raised me and gave me all I have. But he always has a temper, that he refuses to be found guilty for accidents and tends to wail some harsh words on anyone else. I was terrified, terrified of being yelled at by him, if the smallest mistakes caused him to get mad at me-shouldn’t I avoid the big ones?

and I’ve never done anything big-I’ve never stolen or hurt anyone else. It’s the smallest thing that’s gotten me sobbing today. Since I was so scared of him being upset at me, as a young girl I was trying to hide or cover up accidents I did-like forgetting I had the car keys in my pocket, or trying to cover up that I mistook the lawnmower setting for our lawn. So today, I accidentally set off the alarm, just by touching the table where it sat. And, I swear-I barely even thought about it, but I rushed to the bathroom cause I just imagined him yelling at me.

and he did, and when I was honestly telling him what happened he kept telling me not to tell lies. But I wasn’t that time, but since my stupid instinct to try and hide let him see me trying to cover up, he was doubting me. And when I started bawling he saw that I was being truthful, but still gave me this big berate that I shouldn’t be trying to deceive him, that telling him the truth wouldn’t earn this big of a fuss. And I know, I see it hurts him to start to doubt me-and it hurts me to? But God I promise I don’t mean to lie!

He thinks I do it on purpose, but it’s just so instinctual that’s I do it before think. And just because my dad yelled about me for accidentally doing so many things and then just getting so scared I covered them up I feel like I’m a horrible person. Cause he’s right, I should be honest-I thought I was honest on literally everything else. Can he even trust me on big stuff? I’m so scared and stupidly Afraid of something so small.