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I dont understand myself anymore

All my life i've been told the same thing of "Your Useless", "You're terrible at everything just stop" and "Your just an Autistic cunt" (Not even exaggerations all sentences i've been told by family and people i went to school with). So i got used to being all of these and thought of myself as a Diagnosed Autistic and Depressed asshole that was worth nothing. Recently though i find myself commonly thinking to myself, Am i worth more? could i do more? is there even any point? what if i died would anyone really notice?. I wouldn't be posting here if i didn't feel panicked over this as well, I have a fucking Kid on the way and i'm scared im going to raise it wrong since i cant even take care of myself. I'm on 1 Meal a day by my own choice not cause money, I'm on my PC 12 hours a day trying to distract myself from everything but then even more problems come when the other half justs getting annoyed because im on my PC more then talking to her but we have completely different interests. Then whenever she leaves and im by myself for even a few minutes i feel like im close to ending it and start singing loudly trying to distract myself from my mind. Sometimes it helps other times i just start drinking instead.


What is the point? How do i try and continue and try and raise a Baby when i cant even take care of myself? Is anything even worth it? Or should i just give up and end it all i've tried being Selfless my entire life should i be selfish for once and just do it?. I constantly think all of this and cant control it.