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I dont wana wakeup...

Im married mother of 4 ... been in arranged marriage of 11 years .... i hate my husband...but pretend to like him...I've never been kissed by him not once...sex is mostly like a rape...but i would pretend its good...he would tell me everyday how ugly i am...every other night i would have a dream about this man who would come to me in my dreams and treat me like a queen ...he tells me he loves me...i see love in his eyes ... i smile for real in my dreams...these dreams are about him and i spending our days happily just like any other couple in love would spend....i see his face in my dreams but as soon as i wakeup i forget what his face looks like... i dont know if its my brain tricking me to find some kind of comfort in these dreams... or im getting mentally ill or something..but it gives me a little hope to go on with my days...i have thought about suicide a couple of time but i cant hurt my kids like that...also my religion forbids it....i wish i could live in these dreams forever ... coz when im with him in one i dont wana ever wakeup...