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i don't want this

I don't know what to speak or i should say write so i am going to write what i am feeling nowadays .so it all started from 23rd of march...yes the day i reached my home town, the place where my childhood is trapped. After a long time my thought was same that this time as always it is going to be same like for a month max to max. By the way, I came here after an year and yet i don't want to be here wo wo wo why I am dragging into some other shit of my life and ruining this ....Okay so let's not get into that bullshit part okay wait why i am calling my childhood...... better grown-up phase of my life bullshit. Forget it now it all came back like .......memories that have been trapped inside an envelope like .... it is feeling like someone has just torn that. I don't know but i don't want this. All the people I left behind they just appeared like it is flash of memory but it is real this time. i feel like if there is some miracle or or...some anywhere door kind of thing just to escape this reality. It's been 6 months already i should be got used to it by now but i am not yeah i am not...... i do not want this i just....i just want to run away like far away. A smell of negativity and toxicity is here i think this would be the darkest phase of my life i am not doing anything.my life is just summed up in this 800 sq feet.i think the quote which I've read somewhere it says 'in life, you come alone you go alone I think this is the most truthful array of words after death. All my life i got excellent tags there is no big deal if i hesitate to interact others i am coward if my name is not in any school nothing i am a dumb mind if i talk to my cousins i do not realise my parent's issues and i am an irresponsible kid wtf show me a 7,8 or 10 year who is enough responsible if i play cricket then i am not studying btw yet i am not in any school there are several things in which i do not want to get into right now but the thing is all the people...... i am thankful and i will be thankful for rest of my life. I have mom, papa, sisters some excellent dost but the reality is I never had anyone to talk even and I don't even have right now. The only thing which I have is just this feeling of silence in the middle of the traffic.