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I don't want to be alive

I hate myself so much, I want to hurt myself because I believe that I deserve it. The depression overwhelms me almost everyday and no matter how many times I try to smile and laugh, it always returns. Sometimes I wish that someone will hug me with no intention behind it except to comfort me. I know deep down that will never happen. I hate hugs but if someone just held on and never let go no matter how much I struggled I would break down and release everything I hold deep in the dark. My body, personality, myself in general I hate it all.

I'm an ordinary teenager. I went through I depression stage yet somehow never got out. The depression I have is like sinking sand and slowly it's pulling me under and no matter how much I struggle to get out, it pulls me deeper. It feels like I can't breathe without something painful hurting me. And at this point I've given up, letting myself be pulled deeper into the black abyss as I don't see the point to be alive.

I'm afraid to do anything but seeing a blade makes me want to drag it along my skin, seeing a building I want to jump off it. Swimming in water all I wanna do is drown in it. I hate who I am. Everyday anxiety gets to me when going to school. I can hardly get through any test even though I know the whole subject because of anxiety. I hate myself.