I don't have visible scars from self harm and that bugs me because I feel like it's not that serious since people can't see them. I've been clean for 17 months. I want to cut myself till there's no clean space left in my body. I don't want the scars to fade. I need them to remind me I did it and I'm here but I don't have any. that kinda scary and crazy I know but I feel like a fake because of it. it's hard for me to contain myself. I don't want to ruin my score but I feel like I'm closer than ever to hurt myself again. I'm tired of tryignot to. I can't tell anyone because they will be worried and I don't want anyone to know. if I start cutting again I won't be able to stop. I hate myself. I just want others to understand I'm not okay. why does no one understand me? I'm trying hard to keep myself alive. living shouldn't be such a struggle. I just turned 18 and I'm fucking tired. no one understands. suicidal thoughts are driving me CRAZY lately. I will give in eventually. I'm so tired.. so so tired.