i don't want to exist. Sometimes I just want to find a wooded area and lay down and stay. Stay until the sun sets and rises again. Stay until I feel like I can breath again or until the earth claims my bones. Sometimes I picture leaving, just packing up a duffle of the things I like or need and creating something new for myself, change country where no one knows me and I can be a new person, maybe find a small town in america and get a job at dive bar, make friends with the locals and plant new roots. I know it's called suicidal ideation and it makes no sense, I have a family that cares for me and friends that will miss me, I think. Yet still I want something wholly mine. A new me or a choise I made by myself or even just a break. A break I don't feel guilty about that is. A break with no strings attached. Nothing clinging to me tied to me like fishing wire, cutting into me and killing me slowly.