I feel alive, but at night I feel like...nothing in a non-existent way

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I really don't think. i feel alive, i love being with my friends...but at night i feel nothing. its almost as if i live the day for memories. memories are for dreams. dreams are glimpses of death. im very young. my parents know nothing. do i have a crush on my friend? who knows, i think i just feel happy being around her and i think she's pretty, which is different than having a crush. who knows. i've been thinking about my sexuality. maybe i wont label myself. it feels easier. it's crazy what you do for a friend. she's more than me and i wear ugly clothes my mom picks for me but i feel bad... i want to be rich and spoiled and happy like her. i cant do math. i just... i want something...else?? what is the meaning of life? i feel like i've lived all of it. i want to die, float, dissolve and feel at peace during death. i dream about my death. soft music plays in the background, it's warm and peaceful, but large and overwhelming. im in the universe, blue and green swirls around me. i want to die to be in that happy place, but im scared to die. i dont feel anything at night. what is the point?? what is the point of... of everything?? im only 11. i've experienced things i shouldnt watch. i've seen life, i've seen everything i need to see. i want to be happy. by the way, i dont think of ever hurting or killing myself, but i do wonder what it would be like. surely better than life. sorry for this vent. i really think i like girls, im so confused. sorry, im crying just thinking about everything. there is so much we don't think about. night, dreams are my escape. reality is so crazy. music is amazing but i hate writing it. why are there so many rules? why..why am i here?? i want to feel something...deeper. i have hobbies and i have pretty good friends and i have fun but at night, i think. what is the point? so many rules, so many...overwhelming things in the back of my mind that fade away to one feeling: death, but soft. i will live my life happily and die happier. it's all rules for nothing. i