hope
wish
self
dissapear

I feel alone...

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I hope I can turn back in time when I knew nothing... I really feel miserable right now,. I am a 15 y.o. I have identity issues and I really want to talk to someone without being judged. I was born a happy girl, but as I grew up and met many people, I started to think I am not myself, people said that they will love me for whoever I am. But, why did people hate me. I am who I am, or am I? I don't like self diagnose, but I think I have depression since I was turning 11. I am afraid to tell anyone, because I can't explain to them. I am a muslim, but I think I've fallen to the LGBTQ+ hole. It's a sin for us muslim to be one. But how. I just hate this situation. I have a boy name, and I like people to refer me as he/him. And I somehow bi too. But I know it's sinful in my religion. I feel dead. I don't have my energy. I don't feel like living. I just. I just can't. I've been through too much and I hate this. Why can't I just have a normal life!? Why. Just please. I can't listen to anything, almost everything triggers me. I want help, but I don't know how. I tried so many ways, but in return I got nothing. I want to escape this.


Dear god,


if I die and went to heaven, You... will give me anything right?


Even though I was born a human, will you grant my wish to fly freely as a bird in heaven?


Will you?


Then, if I ask to become a boy in heaven. Will you grant my wish?


Will you grant my wish even tho I wasn't that when you created me?


Will you grant my wish to just, dissapear.


I can't stand living forever. Even though, it's maybe beautiful. But I just. can't.


I hope I will get better.


I hate my life.





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