Every day feels like a chore. My relationship with my dad isn't the greatest, but I wish I would stop seeing him for his wrongs. He's done so much for our family and I know deep down he truly cares for me, I just wish he would show it. I have been going through a huge spiral for years now. I feel unmotivated, defeated, tired, and alone. There's no one I can talk to because I don't trust anyone. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. There's no exact reason I feel this way. I have a decent family, a nice house, and access to whatever I want. I hate myself. Sometimes I feel like I do this all for attention, but who's attention? No one knows how I feel. I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. It's such a clique, a depressed teen who hides their emotions, but nowadays that's the norm. Whenever I open up to someone and try to let them in on how I feel, I always get a pity party, it never ends well. I hate everything about me. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they love me. that's all I'm asking for. All my life I've been constantly put down by my family, no ones ever proud of me. I've always been looked down on and now I can only see myself the way they see me. My dad hasn't hugged me in more than 10 years. All he ever does he tell me the things he doesn't like about me, why he hates me. My sister has held high standards and in no way do I blame her for that. I just always see the way they treat her, I'm just confused why I never get the same affection. I never leave my room, I haven't eaten anything in the past 3 days. I constantly dwell in the past. I always think about the people I have hurt and those who have hurt me. I can't shut my brain off. A few years ago I tried to tell my family how I was feeling. I wrote something in a journal and left it out for them to read. They yelled at me and made fun of me. I'm constantly asked why I never tell my family anything and that's the reason. They don't care. My mom gave me a hug for the first time in so long and I started crying as soon as she left. I don't know what I did to make them dislike me so much. I feel bad for saying I don't think my family loves me, because I know they would do anything for me, but it really feels like it. I used to be suicidal, loved self-harm, and enjoyed the pain that came out of it. I tried to kill myself twice. I can't say I would've missed anything if it worked. Nothing seems to have meaning, everything is so dead. I don't understand why I feel like shit so I cant even talk to anyone about it. I feel bad for my parents. They don't deserve knowing I am their daughter. I just wish they understood how sorry I was.