I have a lot of feelings. And I feel selfish for thinking these things sometimes. I feel even more selfish that out of all the friends I have I feel that I can't get truly close to a single one of them. The closest person to me is my partner, but even then I can't make them my personal therepist. So many of my relationships aren't exactly surface level, but close to being that way. And I feel so unsatisfied with my life. Like the only way ill be truly satisfied is if I had someone who liked everything that I like but that person doesn't exist. And I don't know why I long for that, I mean I should be happy to embrace other peoples differences. And I try so hard because I dont want to be labeled a bad person because feeling this way isn't ok. I've done everything I could and have talked to over 500 people online and in real life, id consider myself unbelievably sociable. Still inside I just feel empty. All of my relationships become hollow to me because of this desire and I try so hard to find all the little things in other people, but at the end of the day maybe its tied to a fear of losing people like I have so many times before. I keep getting best friends, and we'll be super close like family. At least until they either find a partner/cooler friend and forget about me, or just stop caring. This has happened so many times I just lost count and I keep putting myself through the same cycle clinging to the idea that maybe ill be happy as I push my fears to the back of my mind so they don't hinder my relationships. None of it works in the end though, I've even tried spending tons of money to get people to like me at times and to help them like the things I like in the process. But it never lasts, and I just feel aweful because I know im being unrealistic thinking I can be the only person in someone's life, thats aweful and toxic and gross. But if it isn't that way, people always choose someone over me, and even if they say they don't, their actions don't show. My birthday is even in a couple of days and due to covid related issues I had to cancel. But it seems like no one cared about my feelings about being alone on my birthday as much as they cared that my party was canceled if that makes sense. My partner even spent the night, after knowing said person could possibly have covid, and that my birthday is in a couple of days and I have family members who I cant have get it, so I wouldnt be able to see them or any of my friends for quite a while. And it just seems like he didn't even think about that. Which hurts, and I would have a talk with him but he's in a call right now and probably will be for the rest of the night. I also would feel aweful to bother them with my feelings even though I know they want me to communicate but whenever I do he can never find the words to comfort me, which I shouldnt expect him to, and usually says something around a sentence long. Which i get it, who wants to hear someone constantly whine, right? I most likely will forget about this in a couple of days and I know its technically just another day. But I just feel like my stomach is churning and I question everyone I have around me. And im so sick and tired of doing so since I've had to stop being friends with so many people because they were toxic for me so I just wish I knew how to fix myself to not have so many needs like this. Anywho, I know this was long, and probably epic big time cringe that I just hopped on a random site and decided to vent to total strangers to get pity points but ay, guess thats how my life is going I guess.