I feel like my parents don't love me

Time Spent- 12m
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I have been feeling pretty down lately. I wonder if my mom, dad and brothers ever feel concerned about me.. I never really leave my room, and I'd say I'm hungry but I'd never eat. I know late at night or at any time I'd feel like my family doesnt love me. I feel like I came out wrong, like.. Mom was expecting a beautiful baby girl that wore pink, wore dresses, beautiful curly brown locks of hair, a skinny body, smelt nice, kept her room clean, just an overall.. Straight girl. But she got an ugly, acne covered piece of crap, fat, rats nest hair, messy room and a smelly bit*h. And the worst part is, i'm not straight. Im pansexual. I'll date anyone…

Id find myself thinking im worthless and stupid, and that would lead to me cutting myself… id brush scissors over my wrist, peeling skin away. Causing scars… Those will never leave. I have 18 self harm scars, most are new. I'm not going to self diagnose myself, but i think this is depression. Though i don't want to worry or disappoint my family, so i choose to not tell anyone. Only a few friends know about my self harm.. But should I tell Fisch? I don't want to lose a friend.. And I love Fisch as a friend.

Sometimes I think of what would happen if I killed myself. I think mom should have stopped after jake,, or got a abortion. Or put me up for adoption.. Because I don't belong to my family.. Im not planning suicide, but I think i should think about a suicide note jst incase the day comes.. I'm being too dramatic.. I should just stop now.