4 months ago
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I feel lost

I have had a history of bad stuff happening to me. Worse thing at the time was when I was assaulted by my first boyfriend. It was just a grope but it messed me up. I spent 5 years of my life fighting that and trying to get back to normal. I have slight PTSD from that. But what has happened this year tops that. And I feel lost. I got in another relationship this year. And it was great. But he got aggressive and mean and treated me and my family badly within the last month of our relationship. I broke up with him. The day I gave him his stuff back I found out I was pregnant. It was the end of June. On July 4th I was at work (I’m a cashier) and I started bleeding and I was in extreme pain. I had a miscarriage that lasted til July 9th. I never went to the hospital. I only told a hand full of people. I want to tell my mother, but I don’t want to worry her. Nor do I want to be taken to the doctor and they don’t find any evidence of a miscarriage and she thinks I lied or something. It’s been months I mean at this point would they even do anything? Would there even be any remaining evidence left? Idk. But I was pregnant. There were 2 lines. One was very very very thin but it was there. And I had the symptoms. This is where my downward spiral started. I became sad and angry at myself. I hate working at that register because the memory comes back and upsets me. I wanted my baby. I am only 19, but I wanted my child. I feel lost and not in control of my feelings or life anymore. Most days I want to crawl into a hole and give up. I feel numb. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I have freedom to do as I please. A wonderful boyfriend, and yes he knows about all of this. A future. But I dont want any of it. I have a roof over my head and comfort but I just don’t want it anymore. And I don’t want to reach out for help, as I feel like a burden. I’m there for everyone I know and put them above myself. Should I tell my mom about the miscarriage? Should I seek help? How I feel, is it normal? Am I just going crazy? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so lost, and I’ve never been like this. Not even after the assault. I was lost for a time, but nothing like this. But I’m not lost to the point of suicide or anything. I want my life. I just don’t know what to do with it anymore

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4 months ago

Re: I feel lost

I forgot to add that I also have health problems that may affect me having kids. And I blame myself for the miscarriage cuz I dunno what caused it. Was it my health problems, my meds, distress from the breakup, or was it just a natural thing that would have happened for no reason? Or for a reason I couldn’t control.

Go seek help. Losing a child, is soul crushing. And I’m guessing you probably had to do that all alone. Especially if you didn’t tell your mom or ex. Which, don’t tell your ex. He doesn’t deserve to know that a little part of him - mixed with a wonderful part of you almost existed. That’s yours and yours to keep. I hope your currently boyfriend is helping somewhat with your pain and struggles. Stay safe girl.