i feel pathetic

Time Spent- 7m
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i feel like i can't do anything right. i'm self-destructive and a parasite on my own physical body/existence and those around me. i hate my dad with every cell of my being, i want to never see him again, he ruined my childhood and therefore life. but me hating him does nothing except weigh me down. me victimising myself just makes everything more painful. i just have so much pent up/trapped rage and hatred towards my dad. i have no idea how i'm going to escape him or my situation in general. paradoxically i feel like i have so much potential and all it would take is like A WEEK for me to sort myself out and get on track- but every time i try to get my head around that, i get anxiety about everything falling apart before i can implement any significant changes. it's strange, i used to get lonely and have issues with feeling like i had no one around me- now i feel the opposite, i feel trapped and constricted by everyone. my chest is tightening up rn and i feel ill. i need to start actually working with what i have instead of going against everything out of ego. i have resources- i need to use them.