Tw: animal abuse as a child
As a child and early preteen I would get bored of pets(Mostly small animals, hamsters, gerbils, that kind of thing) and want new ones, usually when the pet didn’t end up liking me. I experienced a high level of childhood emotional neglect from parents through out my childhood. I also experienced a lot of non-violent abuse from one of my parents. The idea of having pets to show me love and affection was one of the things that helped me hopeful.
When a pet didn’t like me, I always wanted to get another pet. Getting pets was exciting for me and gave me things to find joy in. However, i obviously couldn’t have as many pets as I would have liked, which is 100% reasonable. I was usually allowed to have maybe 1 small animal.
Sometimes I would try to hurt my pet so that I could eventually try to get a different ones that could maybe love me. No one knew that I did this. Immediately after I would feel extreme remorse and try to Comfort the pet and I would feel so bad and be horrified that I hurt them. This behavior only happened a few times( not that it is acceptable AT ALL). The last time I think I was 11. I ended up getting help for a number of mental health issues at that age. Since then I have never inflicted harm on an animal and never felt the urge to “get rid of” a pet in order to get a new one. I am terrified that I was able to do that, even if I did feel huge remorse at what I did, because it happened more than one time.
I’m sure you all are thinking I am a god awful person and a psychopath, and I don’t blame you. I’ve read all the articles correlating abusing animals as a kid and as an adult being an abuser/serial killer/etc. I know and feel so fucking bad and disgusted with myself that I could even conceive of, let alone engaged In, such acts. I just feel so so sad and I wish so much I could go back and change everything.
I am still getting help for my mental health and trauma history. I know what I did was not right. I just had to get it off my chest. I’m sorry.