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i feel so lost

me and my partner have been together for just little over a year, everytime he gets jealous we get in full blown arguments and im a very paranoid person, some days i love him so much my heart could explode and other days i want to escape. i left before but ran right back. we are currently going through a domestic abuse case and even though i withdrew my statement bc i still wanted to be with him they might still prosecute him so this is a big burden over our relationship.

the days i feel like running away are getting more and more. when we try to have sex and i get scared (rape victim) he gets very aggresive and swears at me. right now we arent talking because he lied about something and hes trying to say he didnt but he did and its just frustrating.

there are some days i feel suicidal because i know even if i left i wouldnt be able to live properly, id still see him around, i couldnt go to bars in fear of him being there and i know i would have nobody, i have no friends or anything and its upsetting. i know id have no quality of life if i left, leaving town isnt an option so i cant do anything.

when we fight he shows up at my house screaming and shouting to get into the car, my whole family hate him.

i feel so lost

and i feel as if things would just be easier if i was dead.