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I feel unlovable and confused, even a message would tell me im not truly alone in the world

Ive never used anything like this but I am so lonely. I am ftm and graduated high school about a year ago and moved to a completely different state. My life is filled with changes and short comings but most of all confusion. I always felt so confused since I was a child and i really think that stunted my brains development or something but thats just one of my problems I suppose. I want someone to be there for me but I really feel worthless and I am not sure if dating or talking to anyone would be worth it for their sake. They have plenty of options so why choose me? I have dating apps just because I want to have real and genuine conversations but obviously that dont work lol its just so cold all the time man I just dont know what to do. Since I was a little kid all I did was play video games and watch youtube and whatnot and those used to be my best memories but now it feels so pathetic like I just wanna be productive everyday but damn thats so difficult. I know no one will see this but im just hurting a bit, not like the hurt I am used to but the hurt where I have control over it but I feel restricted from fixing myself which just sounds stupid. Sure I could be productive and fix my schedule and find people but it feels so unobtainable. I feel so watered down. Even just a message or anything would feel like a sign that im not truly alone in the world.

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Re: I feel unlovable and confused, even a message would tell me im not truly alone in the world

you're not alone... there are many people who feel the same way that you do.. it's hard to express these emotions to someone.. its even harder to find the right person to talk to .. but you have to tell yourself that you're not alone... i get that it's hard.. especially if you're watching the people around you succeed ... i think it's better not to look way ahead into the future..it's better to live day by day.. and ask yourself.. what am i going to do today.. what are my goals for TODAY.. maybe that might help

I love you. I’m autistic so my dad threw me away at 2 for life. In Elementary school my mom drove to another state. Drove deep in the woods till a dirt road ended & left me. My life really became hell after that. I’ve endured about any abuse you can imagine. I had to accept that I was alone. Except I had a secret. I had asked Jesus into my heart. No one on this earth loved me. But he did. He died for me. So I stopped crying for my mommy after about 5 hrs. I accepted that I was a little boy but I’d have to raise myself. So I prayed & asked Jesus to hold my hand. Then I found a way out of those woods.

I’ve endured hell. But I’ve spread love. It’s been a long interesting life. Sure I was homeless in the woods as a teen. But I also married a kind woman & eventually had amazing kids. Sure I’m divorced now & apparently my body is shutting down. But I had my moments. I found joy in this world.

I’m laughing at a comedy. My kids are kind & sweet. I helped raise two good nieces that are good mommies. I breathed life back into a little boy who turned blue. I was a good faithful husband. I still go fix her house & buy her heavy groceries. She stopped loving me because I couldn’t grow up (I’m autistic. I can’t grow up); but we are best friends.

Life is life a scary hurricane for my autistic mind. I feel like an alien. I’ve been hurt so much I’m like a soldier behind enemy lines always watching my 6. But I d had moments of joy; & I’ve made a lot of people smile. Life is hard. I’m alone again too. Let me tell you a story.

I was a happy child apparently. My Spanish dad didn’t like my blond hair or blue eyes. As I grew I was too well built & large. I look like Thor not a small Hispanic. He decided i wasn’t his. So they gave me away. I spent the next two yrs locked alone in a dark room. Try going two years setting in the dark with no sounds. When I left that place I couldn’t really walk. I had trouble functioning. I was so afraid. This world is hard. But you only get one chance at it.

Accept that you have to fight to live. That you may spend much of your life alone. But there are good songs; books; video games; & good TV shows. Find a way to get little moments of happiness. As you grow & age you will hit your stride & have moments of great joy. You’ll also take heavy body blows like all of us. At some point you’ll be where I am now. Ever ride a roller coaster? Happily up the hills, scared down the hills. Round & round if there’s no line & you bribed the operator. But eventually you start slowing down & approaching the end. I’ve almost died twice in the last two months. My brain starved mind thought an angel saved me one time. Maybe it did. Either way. I found a way to be happy every day. I’d slowly lick an ice cream. I’d laugh at a TV show. I’d set at a window & listen to the birds. Sadness is everywhere. But if you look for it so I’d joy. Oh I have severe depression. It drags me down. But I fight it. I force myself to find joy & I push that depression back every day. It’s been a life long struggle but I’ve led a good life. I’ve made mistakes but I fought to slowly become a better person. The world didn’t want or love me. But I love the world.