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I feel weak

T/w molestation, pedophilia.

I've never told anyone this... Well, that is a lie. I once told my parents but they didn't believe me...

From the ages of 7-9 I was repeatedly molested by my older brother. I got the courage to tell my mother near the end, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal so I tried to add something on to make it more serious. If that makes any sense.... I didn't want to accuse him of rape, because he was still my brother and despite it all I knew you were supposed to love and protect your family, so I said "he tried to put his peepee in my butt".. I didn't know anal sex was a thing at the time, and therefore didn't know just how serious of an accusation that was.

My mother made me repeat it to my father, who then talked to my brother in privet. Of course my brother denied it all, and my family believed him (it probably helped that he didn't have to lie about not trying to have anal sex, since that was something I made up to try and make my story sound more drastic)

He left me alone for a while after that, but occasionally he would try to get me to do stuff with him until I was 14 and threatened to go to our parents again if he didn't stop.

To this day we have never brought it up, and I wonder if my parents have forgotten about it. I know I lied about the attempted rape, but I never lied about the molestation nor how he forced me to give him oral sex.

I did go to therapy because of depression, but I never had the courage to bring it up with my therapist either. She said I was all good to go after a couple months when my mood shifted and became happier. I wonder what would've happened if I had the courage to speak up then.

I feel uncomfortable all the time, and I want to speak up but it's been so long now I don't know if really matters anymore. I'm worried I'll ruin the family again (we had a big family blowout when my brother and eldest sister had a huge fight that resulted in basically them cutting each other off). I don't know what to do, if I should speak up or should stay quiet and keep this to myself like I have the 10 years of my life....