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I feel weak lol

Hi, im new here, so please don't mind if i say or do something stupid that you're not supposed to do here:)

I came here because i needed to admit something. To myself. I don't really understand it yet, but i know it isn't normal.

Or is it?

Am i just making it up because I want attention? I don't know. But i really just want to be able to understand my problem without hearing that voice in my head sneer, you're just too priveleged, you always got everything you wanted and now you're faking problems because you want attention. I don't know what my problem is. I just feel like i'm drowning inside. It feels like life was normal until somebody put these filters around my eyes, and now everything I look at is grey, even the happiest things. It all just feels grey. I feel like i was driving the car of my life until somebody shoved me aside. Now i'm in the back seat with no control whatsoever while he's trying to drive me off a cliff.

I can't focus, I lose motivation so easily, I have zero determination, and I care so less I scare myself. Sometimes I feel like ending it, but I would never. I have a family that loves me. School used to be easy. Now i can't read one sentence without thinking about how gut-wrenchingly scary it is just to be alive, how easy it is to slip inside the gaping hole of meaninglessness and insanity in your mind. Yet everybody seems fine. Are they strong, or am i just weak?