I am sad. I don't know why, but I am sad. I feel like everything I do is wrong. This has been going on for a long time, but I always found something to explain it: stress, school, moving, health issues. But now I am back home, and I am still sad. I don't feel like I'm home. I am scared that something I do is going to break everything I have now, like what I have here with my family is a thin glass pane on the verge of shattering. I am trying, and trying, and trying, to do what I have to to keep everyone happy, but I keep messing up and I am so tired. I just want everyone to be happy, I feel like that will make me happy. But for some reason, its getting harder and harder. I am scared that I will break everything that I touch, and I want to withdraw, and I am yearning for love and affection that feels unconditional, because this doesn't feel unconditional. I know it is, I know my family loves me so very much and I hate that I'm struggling to believe that that's real because it always has been and why should that change? But I'm also scared that it is conditional and I am scared that they won't approve of me and I am scared of being side eyed and I'm scared I'm already being side eyed and I am tired tired TIRED. I want to stop. I feel like I'm shattering from the inside out, and it's making my skin itch, making me want to bleed. I just want to stop. No more existence, no more nothing. I don't even want whatever the afterlife holds for me because I am afraid it holds nothing but hellfire. If I cease to exist, at least I won't be in pain, right? But... at the same time, I don't want everything to end. I want to see another sunset, pet a dog, achieve my goals and make my family proud. I want to write a book, sing a song, go on a road trip with my friends. Meet someone new, fall in love, not worry so much about everything and nothing. I want to do so much. I just don't have the energy to, don't have the freedom to. I don't know what I want, what I'm looking for, but right now I just don't want to be judged for wanting these things. I feel like I will be though, if I shared these thoughts with anyone. Is it wrong to want such trivial things? Am I only supposed to pursue what seems impossible in the hopes of achieving it? I guess the real question is, when did I stop feeling safe? Everywhere I go, I'm scared. I don't know where I'll feel safe being me. I have conflicting thoughts, and I am scared that those conflicting thoughts will not let me rest. But I can't just choose one side or another, not yet. I don't know all the answers and I don't know if I'm safe in the long run. What's the point in being safe for now if I'm doomed forever afterward? I don't know what I'm doing with myself, and I'm scared of finding out. What an awful conundrum to be in. I hope I find the answers soon, and I hope they're what I need to hear. I don't want to be sad even after finding what I'm looking for. I don't want my fears and insecurities continue to scream in my head forever. I want the voices to be silent. I just want to rest. Please. Just let me rest.

I am sad. I don't know why, but I am sad. I feel like everything I do is wrong. This has been going on for a long time, but I always found something to explain it: stress, school, moving, health issues. But now I am back home, and I am still sad. I don't feel like I'm home. I am scared that something I do is going to break everything I have now, like what I have here with my family is a thin glass pane on the verge of shattering. I am trying, and trying, and trying, to do what I have to to keep everyone happy, but I keep messing up and I am so tired. I just want everyone to be happy, I feel like that will make me happy. But for some reason, its getting harder and harder. I am scared that I will break everything that I touch, and I want to withdraw, and I am yearning for love and affection that feels unconditional, because this doesn't feel unconditional. I know it is, I know my family loves me so very much and I hate that I'm struggling to believe that that's real because it always has been and why should that change? But I'm also scared that it is conditional and I am scared that they won't approve of me and I am scared of being side eyed and I'm scared I'm already being side eyed and I am tired tired TIRED.I want to stop. I feel like I'm shattering from the inside out, and it's making my skin itch, making me want to bleed. I just want to stop. No more existence, no more nothing. I don't even want whatever the afterlife holds for me because I am afraid it holds nothing but hellfire. If I cease to exist, at least I won't be in pain, right?But... at the same time, I don't want everything to end. I want to see another sunset, pet a dog, achieve my goals and make my family proud. I want to write a book, sing a song, go on a road trip with my friends. Meet someone new, fall in love, not worry so much about everything and nothing. I want to do so much. I just don't have the energy to, don't have the freedom to. I don't know what I want, what I'm looking for, but right now I just don't want to be judged for wanting these things. I feel like I will be though, if I shared these thoughts with anyone. Is it wrong to want such trivial things? Am I only supposed to pursue what seems impossible in the hopes of achieving it?I guess the real question is, when did I stop feeling safe? Everywhere I go, I'm scared. I don't know where I'll feel safe being me. I have conflicting thoughts, and I am scared that those conflicting thoughts will not let me rest. But I can't just choose one side or another, not yet. I don't know all the answers and I don't know if I'm safe in the long run. What's the point in being safe for now if I'm doomed forever afterward? I don't know what I'm doing with myself, and I'm scared of finding out. What an awful conundrum to be in. I hope I find the answers soon, and I hope they're what I need to hear. I don't want to be sad even after finding what I'm looking for. I don't want my fears and insecurities continue to scream in my head forever.I want the voices to be silent. I just want to rest. Please. Just let me rest.