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I had been abused by my father when i was 4yo

i have vague memories of my father abusing me sexually when i was 4-5 I guess, I’m 45 now and still somedays when I recall this vivid memory it haunts me.

I used to sleep in the middle with my mom/dad, vaguely as I remember my father used to reach down pull down my pants and used to start sucking my thing, never understood what it meant then.

I don't even recall how long it lasted for but surely not till understood sexuality altogether. Never confronted him for it but I hate him for what he did to me. As I’m sure it has scarred my in my subconscious somewhere.

I have a 10 year old myself, and try to be the best father. These are some memories that i had buried in my closet somewhere for years but writing it down after years I guess I'm lessening my burden.

i forgive you dad. You know what you did, i hope you realize how you’ve scarred me.