I'm just tired of everything. I am a full time loner, I have no friends, family problems, and this is really affecting me. I lie to myself and try to convince myself that I don't need anyone to be happy, that I don't need other people, that I can be okay alone but at the end of the day I feel so lonely and that destroys me. Everyone that was my friend left me, and when I get close to someone Im always afraid I will lose them, and I over react when I think they are going to leave me, that they are rejecting me. I don't want to be lonely anymore, but I feel like I don't have a chance. I can't get in my class, because everyone is so unlike me, I tried to be friends with some girls but they look down at me. When I was in presencial school I didn't eat lunch because I didn't want anyone to see me eating lunch alone, so I would rather feel hungry instead, which got me in trouble because the people who are responsible for me noticed that, and it got me in real trouble.
Everyday I wish I had a friend, I wish I had somebody who really cared about me and would be with me, someone I could have fun and laught with, and also someone who would be there in the sad moments, but now I don't have anyone, and my socializing skills are awful which makes everything difficult. I really feel rejected, and it really pushes me to feel very low. I try to tell my psychiatrist this, but he only tells me to try to be friends with someone in school, but it's very hard for me, my self esteem in in the mud and It even terrifies me looking people in the eyes.
When I go to sleep, I want someone who would hug me to sleep and make me feel wanted, like I truly belong here. I crave love. I want somebody who really cares, somebody who would think about me with love, somebody who wouldn't fuck my brain and not play stupid games with me.
I already losed lot of my faith in humans, because it sucks. Humans are horrible. They play games with you, deceive you, lie to you, make you feel loved and then leave you, say they love you and then call you trash, reject you for stupid reasons, make fun of you because you are ugly. Unlike animals, because animals are honest and don't play games with you, showing you how they really feel
I'm always trying to find someone who will fill my void. I frequently go to omegle, because I wanna have some human interaction, but even in omegle people don't want to talk to me or they're bad at talking or we simply don't match. Even outside omegle, no one in internet is my friend. Sometimes when people don't have friends in real life, they have in the internet, but not even in internet I have friends!
I wonder if maybe I am a problem. My psychologist says that maybe people don't want to reach out to me because I over react, but I don't know!!! I try to be nice, get in the wave, try to not complain but still
I feel like I am at my loneliest moment in life. I hate being alone. I hate it. I even though of self-harming myself to see how it feels, since I don't have much to do now