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i hate my autistic brother

i’m only 13. i’m a girl, and i have a sixteen year old brother. he has autism. i don’t hate him for his autism. i have diagnosed ocd, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. my mom has schizophrenia. i could never hate someone for being autistic. that’s what makes me so fucking angry at myself. i hate him. i want to kill him. i dream about murdering him. just looking at him makes me want to scream. my whole life, i have wanted a normal family. but i’ve always been different. my brother was always different. i’ve always tried to hide my disorders because i just wanted to be like everyone else. my brother makes me embarrassed to even go outside with my family. kids at school used to make fun of him. they still do, just not upfront. i have gotten into physical fights with older kids because of i hated people making fun of his autism. now, i don’t care. i hate him. i’m happy other people hate him. he’s fucking disgusting. he’s mean. he hates woman. he’s called me fat. he eats my food. he doesn’t take care of his hygiene. he’s a liar. he sits on his computer all day. he does nothing. nothing. he yells at my parents. he made my mom try to kill herself. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. i have tried to hide myself from the world my whole life, and he’s fucking shameless. he does gross things in public. he doesn’t fucking act normal. why? why can’t he be normal? it’s a struggle for me to get out of bed. because of my bpd, i have to stop myself from screaming in public. it’s a fucking struggle. everyone thinks i’m fine. my friends only know about my ocd. i am trying so fucking hard to just live a normal life. i want friends to be able to come over to my house. i want my brother to drive me places. i want to stop cutting myself. i want people to stop looking at us funny in public. i will never have these things. because of my brother. he’s a bad person. it’s not his autism. it’s him. he’s awful, and i want to fucking murder him. during bpd

episodes, i have to leave the house because if i don’t i might end up stabbing him. i can’t control myself, and i’m scared that if he was there during an episode i would kill him. i feel like a bad person. i can’t hate him. he has autism. that’s his excuse. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE GOING ON IN MY LIFE AND NOBODY FUCKING CARES

I TRY SO MUCH HARDER THAN HIM AND NOBODY NOTICES

I AM A STRAIGHT A STUDENT WHO ACTS PERFECT ALL THE TIME WITH FUCKING BIPOLAR AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THROUGH THE DAY

HE HAS ASPERGERS AND HE CANT EVEN BRUSH HIS FUCKING TEETH

HE RUINED MY LIFE

I NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE HAPPY

I NEED TO BE NORMAL AND I CANT BECAUSE OF HIM

I HATE HIM

I HATE HIM

I FUCKING HATE HIM