I'm 18,I'm a girl and live in a joint family which is extremely normal and looked forward to in my country. I hate my father and i hate myself for sayings this. My father gave me and my brother everything he could. He worked his ass off for us.ik he loves us. But my father has destroyed me mentally. He doesn't even know it. Because everything i do in life has to have his approval stamp. Ok so he has no education. He has worked very very hard to get us leading a more than comfortable life. We went to the best schools, college wear the best clothes have too many luxuries in life. He has almost never asked anything of us never interfered with our career decisions directly. But that's the fucking point. He comes from a well off family but never asked for more from his family like his sublingual and cousins. Having seen so many challenges in life inspite of the fact that he could easily live off his familiar months he has become hard as a stone. He has the kindest heart for anyone except me i think even though he's never done anything. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT FEELINGS. ACCORDING TO HIM CRYING IS FOR GIRLS AND COWARDS ( I AM A FUCKING GIRL). HE JUDGES EVERYONE BASED ON THEIR DRESS UP SENSE HAIR AND GENERAL BEHAVIOUR. HE WILL NEVER THINK THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT PERSON IS HOUNSLOW THROUGH. And he's very very sharp with words. His words sting. He wants me to earn a lot of money in life with hard work not for them bur for myself. He is a business man who keeps schooling me and my brother on busiest strategies. When will he let me be my own person?When will he realise i don't need to continously look presentable ( he will ask me to comb my hair right after I've gotten out of bed) to be successful. I'll tell you what. I am his daughter. I want to make a lot of money too. But here's the thing. I'm preparing for an extremely difficult national level medical entrance test. I am continously literally every second of my day thinking I'm not good who for it or smart enough to for it. Don't get me wrong I'm good with studies i got 97% in boards and all my professors think that I'll make it of i keep working. But i still doubt it and cry about it in front of my mom literally once in 3 months. I cry to myself a lot of other times. But my mom tells my dad and he gets angry starts calling me weak. Starts giving examples and stories of how everyone in my family including himself started from the bottom. About how we have every luxury and opportunity and there's people much worse and i have no right to cry I'm nobody to cry. This is where it comes in . The reason i hate him so much. I THINK HE'S RIGHT. I BELIEVE WHATEVER HE SAYS IS TRUE AND I KNOW IT'S NOT. He thinks mental healthi and shit is for the weak. He doesn't think it's real. And i believe him a lot of times and it's destroying me. Everytime i cry or feel weak instead of addressing the problem i blame myself for being weak. He wants me to be successful and have a grand personality but he fails to realise that I'll never be that unless i start respecting myself enough to tell myself that my problems are real they matter they deserve to be solved. He tells me that i get too cosy all the time. He believes in always being formal and keeping his gaurd up. But i can't do that. That's not the real me. The real me has fun everywhere she goes without thinking if she's looking impactful or how anyone else or i am looking. Real me doesn't give a hoot about anyone's hair all i care about is focusing on my own career and not being in someone else's way. I really want to give my dad all the happiness and money in the world but not because i love him but because i want his approval. I crave for it now. I think i am worthess if I'm not anything in my dad's opinion. It initially started with my father but has now gone to other strangers. It's gives me anxiety issues. He always cares about looking royal and rich he never realise that rich people never really care about how they look because they have other more important things to do in life. On one hand he'll ask us to be royal and shit and on the other he will lament for rs 999 (not even 14 dollars) accidentally spent on an entire years amazon subscription. He himself is uneducated. How does he expect me to be everything good? Perfect in all aspects that matter? He gave me a very important life lesson that everyone had a different question paper in life . Why doesn't he let me solve mine the way i want to? It's like I'm not enough the way i am. I must be better or different. And i never ever ever speak up in front of him or even talk back even when i know he's wrong be it a small judgement or large issue. Out of the respect gratitude and fear i feel for him. He has destroyed my belief of self. But ukw I'll come out of it. I'll be rich and successful. Idk what I'll have of my mentioned health but i know that I'll score enough marks if not for doctor then dentist to move to another city. Then I'll study my ass off over there. Then I'll move to another country earn a lot of money come back and get married. His chapter will be over from my life. Till then I will not think about him too deeply. I will try to not let his words affect me. Everytime i feel low I'll remind myself that i love myself i respect myself and i will not let him or anyone tell me what I'm worth or who i am. In my head I'm belong only to myself and that's all that matters.