I don't know anymore at this point what to do. My life is perfect in every aspect, no problematic relationships with my parents nor sibling. My friends are all that I could have wished for in my life; funny, weird, crazy and all out amazing. I'm still in high school, my grades are average and all my teachers are great. I do the hobbies I love and enjoy every moment I spend doing them. Drawing/Painting and writing stories. Yet, deep down in the depths of my heart and mind, I hate who I am, the type of person I've grown up to be. Everything. Sometimes my mind can't help but drift to who I am from the inside to the outside. I hate who I am that when I see a building and I look up, I can't help but imagine myself at the top looking down ready to jump. Any sort of blade that shimmers to catch my eye, my mind instantly goes to the thought of dragging it along my wrist. Recently I remembered a memory where my mother had actually taken me to a therapist (around 7 maybe) and I remember never saying much of how I felt eventually I was taken out or rather it had been forgotten because around that stage I stopped saying how I felt and complaining about myself. This may be triggering and I wouldn't be surprised if there would be some comments saying I should get help or talk to someone. I probably should but the anxiety gets to me and a million thoughts cross my mind. "I'm just being selfish I shouldn't go," I would think very often, "this is nothing compared to what others deal with.", "my parents would probably think I'm being over dramatic.". "I'm just self-pitying myself, I'll get over it eventually." Other thoughts find their way to my mind and it hurts me deep down. I don't tell people my thoughts and I don't think I ever will. I hate my personality, sometimes the things I say without a single thought will spill from my mouth and hurt someone that I hold dearly to me. I hate the thoughts that fill my mind nearly every night or every time as significant as a small argument or a small disagreement with someone. On some occasions after I let the tears cascade my body grows numb and still and suddenly I can't feel anything almost like I'm empty. The thoughts aren't there, the feelings I should feel disappear.Whenever I get in an argument with someone and I mention something like that I don't know what to do with who I am. How I should change because I disappoint the people around me. My parents always say "You're self-pitying yourself." maybe I am but I don't know anymore. I try to change who I am. I tried to stop the words that slip from my tongue. I try to change the way I do things yet the same thing always happens on repeat. I hate it, that this is who I am. I never tell anyone of these type of things so I decided to rant here anonymously. Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and think "Oh how I hate myself." I hate the way my body was built. I hate the thoughts that cloud my mind. I hate the personality that my lovely mum created. I hate that my heart beats when all I want it to do is stop. I hate that the sorrow that resides hasn't disappeared for over 7 years. I hate that even in the most crowded places with my friends or family I still feel so lonely. The hatred I feel for myself for not enjoying life to the fullest instead sitting my room away from people and socialisation because of my fear for the hurt I'd feel if to hurt someone else. The fact that I can't simply get up and door simple chores because of who I am. The feeling of how disappointed I am of myself.From time to time, I'd find myself staring at either the sky or at a wall and wish that I could instead be trapped in a small warm, pitch black box without a single sound in endless bliss. A place where I don't belong but feel happy and safe with not a worry in the world. I want to stop feeling, to disappear into nothing so to not burden those around me with my selfish feelings. Every so often I wish I had someone else's life where I lived on the streets invisible to the uncaring society (not everyone). Somewhere where I should be instead and giving someone the life they would die to have. I hate myself so much that at this point of my life I don't really know what to do to stop myself from the thoughts I have or who I am. I don't know what will happen to this but I'll most likely forget I had written this eventually. I wrote this with a cold so this whole thing is just my thoughts and what I wish I could say to someone to anyone face to face instead of keeping it all locked away. There will be mistakes so sorry before hand if there is. I'm not professional. But thank you for reading this if you did.