I think I suffer from some sort of gender dysphoria. A lot of of that dysphoria is around my chest. I don't have a binder but I wear 2 sports bras almost everyday but it still doenst feel like enough.
I can't wear any sort of pajama that has to do with my torso. I used to be able to wear all sorts of nightgowns and was fine. Now I can't do it at all. Its been around 3-4 months of not wearing pajamas at all, and I decided I would try it again because my room was really hot and I wanted to wear something cooler.
I tried putting on every single nightgown I owned, I think I had 4. Every single one made me want to break down into tears or punch a wall. I just stared and stared and stared at myself, I didn't feel like myself at all.
I then tried some pajama joggers, they were fine. Then I tried top after top after top after top. The same thing happened with the nightgowns. I just stared at myself for what felt like forever, and then I would get the shirt off of me as fast as a could.
I actually felt okay with the pajama pants so I kept those on and just wore a baggy hoodie, burning, but comfortable.
I sat on my bed and just started to break down. I asked myself so many question, so angry at myself. Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you be a girl? Why do you have to lie to everyone about you are?
I sat there for an eternity just quietly crying because I didn't wnat to wake up my parents.
I don't know what to do with myself. Everyday, people refer to me as a name that isn't mine and as a she, as a girl, as a woman. I hate it. I want to be myself. I wnat to be Rowan. I want to show everyone and be proud of being non-binary.
But I can't, and I'm not proud of who I am. I so badly want to be a girl I so badly want to be normal and to feel connected and happy to what everyone calls you.
I already struggle with severe mental health issues and everytime someone calls me a girl I want to hit my head over and over. I want to hit my legs until I have bruises.
With my dissociation episodes I can end up going mute and staring at the wall or my mirror begging for my body back, but when I'm back in my body, it doenst feel like the right body.
My self confidence has always been low but everything just keeps getting worse.
I'm so frustrated with myself because of how bad my mental state is.
I truly, with my whole heart, hate myself.
I hate everything about myself.
I want to be normal.
I want to be mentally stable.
I want to be able to remember my childhood.
I want all of my mental illness to go away.
I want to stop my suffering.
I'm only 14.
I hate how messed up I am. I hate everything about myself. I want to dissappear forever. If people didn't care about me then I would of been dead already. I wish I wasn't so empathetic because I would of ended my pain years ago.